Well I had a dream last week. Something that I was happy to dream of =/ not something I should actually rejoice about. And yet on that day after the dream. A few of us were just talking about Linden and yea, it kind of rebounded to me in some sense. Guilt? A little perhaps.
One week down and there are still niggling issues on my mind. Nothing too serious for sure but the seeds of doubt seem to be implanted in my mind already. The only thing I can tell myself is a big fat No. End of story, Edwin.
And I wonder how I can think so much even with such a busy schedule, juggling with SMC and 2 labs a week!! Almost dying already and I know well that I'm not fully utilizing my time either. Sigh...gotta pull through to week 5 man. Ah well, let nature take its course. I sure hope things will turn out fine.
地上断了翅的蝶 雾散之后的满月
原来爱跟心碎 都可以很细节
听夜风绕过几条街 秋天瘦了满地的落叶
于是又一整夜 感性的句子都枯萎 凋谢
我不想再写 随手撕下这一页
原来诗跟离别 可以没有结尾 (没有结尾)
憔悴后悔等等这些 于是我把诗折叠
邮寄出感觉 夹一束白玫瑰 你将爱退回
我不落泪 忍住感觉 分手在起风这个季节
哭久了会累 也只是别人的以为
冷的咖啡 我清醒着 一再续杯
我落泪 情绪零碎 你的世界一幕幕纷飞
门外的蔷薇 带刺伤人的很直接
过去被翻阅 结局满天的风雪
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Monday, August 09, 2010
Wow the school's wireless is a lot slower than I had expected. Really quite poor. Irritating that my LAN socket still doesn't work even after a "repair" once. So I'm still surviving on nusopen right in my room zzz.
Well Rag was just a fantastic experience. We went through so much hard work in practising for the dances and all, culminating in an excellent performance on 6 August where we practically swept everything off the judge's table, winning everything single of the 4 titles that were awarded to rag. However, we were unable to win overall rag and flag as KR had way too much donations with flag. Illegal or not I don't know but winning rag is something that money can't buy.
There were many glaring mistakes during the actually performance and I'd say it was only about 70% of our best due to some issues with the moving of the props plus dance steps that were forgotten and props never appearing. I felt it was the concept that saved us and that's really many thanks to Wei Jie and Jie Lin, our magnificent choreographers. Dance wise we were clean but possibly not the cleanest around but they have certainly brought rag dance to a whole new level with a choreography that flows very well, unlike the usual blocks of dances that all other halls use.
I'm still tired. Lack of sleep I guess. I need a lot of it haha. Well life's still a little empty but I'm beginning to see the fuller part of it. I need more discipline cos I'm going to pull my grades up. I'm not going to try my best. I'm going to make it happen. And of course I want to make the most out of my life as well =)
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Thursday, August 05, 2010
One reason I'm blogging at this god forsaken time is because rag dance prac ended not too long ago. Another reason is because I'm genuinely concerned for my friend. One I regard as a good friend who talked to me not too long ago. Maybe abt 8 hours ago? I'm already damn tired and yea gonna collapse anytime now but I have to do this.
I am worried. The similarities are scary. Honestly, my opinions and advice don't matter much but I've just gotta say it. If you aren't ready, you aren't. Would a true 1 - 2 year break help things? Maybe. But we'll never know. Yes, it's true that you'll never know until you give things a shot.
The exact same things are happening just like the previous time. When everything seems rosy, the same negative thought pops up and makes you reconsider things once again, whether the relationship should carry on or not. I'm seriously not encouraging a break but when the same thing pops up one too many times, I won't classify it as a one-off or just a coincidence. Something must be done. Of course it has to be talked out for certain. A change of mentality must follow if things are to continue for long. A sufficient sense of security and assurance must be given from the guy. It has to. Emotional strain is part and parcel of a relationship and it all comes in a package. We all have to learn to accept it but I know. Past wounds can still sting. I, of all people should be aware of that.
I also think that it's not about not disappointing the other party but whether it's the best decision for yourself. Benefiting yourself now would not prolong further suffering. Relationships are meant to be selfish. If it doesn't happen, the one who gets hurt in the end might just be yourself. I won't act like I'm a wise owl on this but it's just what I feel and I've learnt. At the end of the relationship there isn't any hard feelings at all. That's what I believe in. And that's exactly what I'm doing right now.
At the end of the day, I'm not for or against going either way. I'm just for a decision that would ultimately give you happiness and that's best for you. Nothing more, nothing less. Even I'm surprised at my own maturity, which has never really occurred to me before. I hope this would be read sometime soon. Took me a while to sort out my thoughts and all yepz.
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Wednesday, August 04, 2010
Post number 400. What irony and what a circumstance to post this under.
Guess why I never disagreed when my friends or freshies call me a bare fellow? I totally agree that I'm cui and suck at times. Shu Wen once said, "Nobody agree that he lousy one la!" The nonchalant reply from me came, "But I just did." Guess why I like to mutter "fucked up" under my own breath at times. Scolding myself. Seng Tuck heard it once and gave me a puzzled look.
That I couldn't agree more that's why I tend to dwell on my past mistakes and regret on many things I did or never did. It's just the way I was made to think or function. Strong words written in a moment of folly doesn't constitute to how strong I feel about something really. Using the word fuck which I usually don't blog with is just a figure of speech as someone once said. Once again no excuses for my poor tone but certainly no underlying meaning or any negative connotations to be inferred from my previous post really.
Right now, my feelings about it is nuaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. It's not something that I couldn't care less but it's just something that's neutral to me now. It matters to me for certain but it takes time to handle such things. And thus, I won't rush. I might have been misunderstood and rightly so as I have presented myself in such a poor manner. No excuses, Edwin. You are really pretty poor eh. Haha.
I know what is the biggest regret of my life thus far. Not being able to keep my relationship. But it's all well in the past right now. It doesn't quite matter to me anymore. I just want to keep the friendship ya? One may ask me how can I just let it be like this. 因为无时无刻我只想你快乐。Bah...can't wait for tang to upload the pic I took of the lyrics flashing for Jay to see during his concert.
Yep so the previous post was terrible especially when it kind of gave the wrong vibes and idea. It was just some ranting that stemmed off the impatience of me when I'm tired.
I'm writing this with body ache from flag, headache and a terrible tummy ache throughout the whole day plus a bit of a heartache due to the previous post. Yes so please no hard feelings about it...I believe that there's never an absolute in life. Especially my own views. I leave leeway for the other side of the story to unfold. Has been like this and will always be like this.
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Tuesday, August 03, 2010
Well Flag day just ended today and yeah it was good. I mean we were doing our best to help all the beneficiaries and all no? Did our best by dragging our tired bodies down the streets, asking for donations from countless passers-by. All that's left is Rag. Despite being behind schedule with our dance and float, I firmly believe we'll put up a good show. Really hope it's good. Winning is besides the point 'cos putting up a good show would probably give us something to win right haha. And I just love my EHOC OG, Antra, you freshies really rock =) make me feel so heartened to continue working for you guys!
Right...so many days have passed. I'm kind of numb already. Bad but too bad for me man. Yes I mean yeah I don't like it when one thing is being said and another is being practised. Like saying emotional attachment in a relationship and stuff led to the ending of our relationship ending and getting right into another one in about 2 months' time. What irony. Absolutely. Don't think I'm asking too much for an answer on that one am I? Maybe it's just wishful thinking on my part but I don't like to be left hanging. As much as I would like to believe in everything that has been said in the past, I can't help but think about how much of the words were true in the past after those exact words were being contradicted.
Don't get me mistaken. I'm not being sore or anything and I am genuinely happy that happiness has been found for someone who used to be my world. Her happiness mattered and still does matter to me. Love is probably still in the air but in an entirely different manner. Nothing near what we used to feel for each other. Just caring for a friend right now.
In all honestly I feel betrayed to a certain extent. Words that made me willing to wait forever crushed me in less than a few months. I don't know what happened. I wonder still and I do want to know an answer. Was hoping to get things ironed out before year 2 starts but looks like it ain't gonna happen. Oh wells, nothing ever goes to plan in life. The only constant in life is change isn't it? I still don't know how difficult it is to even reply to a single message even if it's something negative. This all led me to think very negatively of what had been the greatest time of my life.
My mentality now is just to fuck it and let it be, really. I would really like to give others the benefit of a doubt to explain themselves and of course I haven't discounted the possibility of me just thinking too much and all. But all I can hope for is a simple answer to the fleeting thoughts in my mind that just fades away as the days go by.
I do feel empty now but not in a bad way. I feel fulfilled enough with Eusoff orientation already haha. Well Winnie the Pooh is something special to me for it was what someone used to call me by and the affinity I felt for it when I played both Kingdom Hearts and Kingdom Hearts II. The stuffed toy sits staring right at me in my room haha.
怎么隐藏我的悲伤
失去你的地方
你的发香散得匆忙
我已经跟不上
闭上眼睛还能看见
你离去的痕迹
在月光下一直找寻
那想念的身影
如果说分手是苦痛的起点
那在终点之前我愿意再爱一遍
想要对你说的不敢说的爱
会不会有人可以明白
我会发着呆然后忘记你
接着紧紧闭上眼
想着那一天会有人代替
让我不再想念你
我会发着呆然后微微笑
接着紧紧闭上眼
又想那一年你温柔的脸
在我忘记之前
心里的眼泪模糊了视线
你会看不见
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