Badminton is damn fun. After a two week lay off, playing badminton again was really enjoyable. Can't wait for badminton on friday again. Maybe it's because of the new racket I got cos the string on Ben's one broke and restringing plus new grip kinda pricey, decided to get a flymax racket. Din know wad brand it was until I googled it. Singapore brand lol hope it's good man. But I guess the company of my sec school clique matters too. It'd be fun with my hall dudes and...yea.
Dance is taking a toll on my body again, now having doubts abt dp plus my plummeting grades hmmm...and also...
Well this quote suddenly came to my mind today. Was a quote from a family member of one of the unfortunate victims in the Hillsborough disaster. Time does not heal your wounds, it just helps you deal better with it. How true can it be.
海的思念绵延不绝
终于和天 在地平线交会
爱如果走得够远
应该也会跟幸福相见
承诺常常很像蝴蝶
美丽的飞 盘旋然后不见
但我相信你给我的誓言
就像一定会来的春天
我始终带着你爱的微笑
一路上寻找我遗失的美好
不小心当泪滑过嘴角
就用你握过的手抹掉
再多的风景也从不停靠
只一心寻找我遗失的美好
有的人说不清哪里好
但就是谁都替代不了
在最开始的那一秒 有些事早已经注定要到老
虽然命运爱开玩笑 真心会和真心遇到
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Monday, June 28, 2010
I haven't been myself since god knows when. Well maybe it isn't tt bad but it does feel pretty distant. Yea, I'm not happy. End of the argument. No doubts about it. The moments of joy and happiness I have now is sporadic, and they are just moments and temporary. They aren't gonna last. I of all people should know best.
Honestly, it's been difficult for me to deal with this distance. I haven't found a way to deal with it. It hurts and I know how it would hurt the most for myself. I just don't want to jinx it. My life has been filled with plenty of what ifs up till now. And I can foresee myself continuing the trend with many more what ifs playing through my head, of whatever is going to happen in the future. I dread to think of most of them but the possibilities are so real. And I do know that with my current mentality, the distance would only grow further. But one of the last things I could do was to give myself a big fat lie that I couldn't care less. It's just not something I can do. Neither can I give myself some pseudo hope that I know doesn't exist. Miserable. Me that is.
I want to grow and mature, to learn how to handle things in a better manner. Till then, I'll just continue to keep everything to myself and continue to keep the distance. But I know I still want to keep some faith. Faith that has been right there since the beginning. Faith in the words of someone and most of all in myself. No regrets till the end because that's the choice I wanted, the choice I made.
爱你
不是因为你的美和影
我越来越爱你
每个眼神触动我的心
因为你让我看见 forever
才了解自己
未来这些日子
要好好珍惜
爱我
有些痛苦有些不公平
如果真的爱我
不是理所当然的决定
感到你的呼吸在我耳边
像微风深情
温柔的安抚
我的不安定
所以我要
每年研究你的笑容
多么自然
Forever love forever love
我只想用我这一辈子去爱你
从今以后
你会是所有
幸福的理由
爱情
是场最美最远的旅行
沿途遇经泥泞
偶尔阻碍我们的前进
感到你的体温在我怀里
像阳光和煦
巧妙的熔化
我的不安定
不可思议
证明我爱你的理由
你感动的眼睛
我沉默的声音
仿佛就是最好的证明
就让我再说一次
I love you
直到永远
Oh
Forever love
Forever love
Forever love
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Saturday, June 26, 2010
Somedays I'd be worried. There'll be the days that I'll be worried sick. Sometimes I'd just be worried and on other days I'll be cool about it. Your mind and heart are just two so illogical things. They actually be be fully dissected and explained but never fully understood. Guess that explains my illogical actions. My blog has recently been filled with emo posts. Never actually found much reason to blog when I was actually happy. You can lie to yourself but not to your heart.
I promised myself I will never open my heart ever again. It belongs to one person and one person only. I would continue to believe, continue to wait, continue to love, till the day I know I'm no longer wanted, no longer needed and no longer loved.
When the visions around you
Bring tears to your eyes
And all that surround you
Are secrets and lies
I'll be your strength
I'll give you hope
Keeping your faith that has gone
The one you should call
Was standing here all along
And I will take
You in my arms
And hold you right where you belong
Till the day my life is through
This I promise you
This I promise you
I've loved you forever
In lifetimes before
And I promise you never
Will you hurt anymore
I give you my word
I give you my heart (give you my heart)
This is a battle we've won
And with this vow
Forever has now begun
Just close your eyes (close your eyes)
Each loving day (each loving day)
I know this feeling won't go away (no...)
Till the day my life is through
This I promise you
This I promise you
Over and over I fall (over and over I fall)
When I hear you call
Without you in my life baby
I just wouldn't be living at all
And I will take (I will take you in my arms)
You in my arms
And hold you right where you belong (right where you belong)
Till the day my life is through
This I promise you baby
Just close your eyes
Each loving day (each loving day)
I know this feeling won't go away (no...)
Every word I say is true
This I promise you
Every word I say is true
This I promise you
Ooh, I promise you...
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Friday, June 25, 2010
Well I certainly had fun during scamp, made new friends in the seniors and also met interesting freshies. I just keep learning things throughout my experiences :) Definitely an enjoyable experience although it was really tiring. I would consider joining scamp again next year for sure. Had a shocking realization when I reached home but it kind of cld be inferred eh.
Many nights we pray
With no proof anyone could hear
In our hearts a hopeful song
We barely understood
Now we are not afraid
Although we know there's much to fear
We were moving mountains long
Before we knew we could
There can be miracles when you believe (when you believe)
Though hope is frail it's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles you can achieve (you can achieve)
When you believe somehow you will
You will when you believe
In this time of fear
When prayers so often proves in vain
Hope seems like the summer birds
Too swiftly flown away
And now I'm standing here
My heart's so full I can't explain
Seeking faith and speaking words
I never thought I'd say
They don't always happen when you ask
And it's easy to give in to your fears
But when you're blinded by your pain
Can't see your way safe through the rain
Thought of a still resilient voice
Says love is very near
There can be miracles (miracles)
When you believe (when you believe)
Though hope is frail
It's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles you can achieve (you can achieve)
When you believe somehow you will
Somehow you will
You will when you believe
You will when you believe
You will when you believe
Just believe...in your heart
Just believe
You will when you believe
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Sunday, June 20, 2010
Well...I honestly am at a slight loss of words now. Well not tt it has struck me so hard but I guess I just can't describe how things are even for myself right now. I can feel the self-anesthesia creeping into my body alr but I'm trying hard to fight it cos it's no longer the way I wanna handle things. I'm not going to be an escapist. I'll just take things as they come and face up to my own emotions. No matter how long it takes, no matter what it takes and no matter where it would bring me to at the end of the road.
With that I've come out with 3 final resolutions for myself to improve myself. First would be to change my character somewhat. To become less cynical of others and more trusting of others. Not doubting what people mean behind their words and believing in others more. Giving myself and others a little more faith.
Next would be to be more decisive in basically everything. It isn't actually a case of myself not being decisive but rather that I'm really fine with anything most of the time, so I'd prefer to let others state their preference and go along with it somehow.
Lastly would be always to seek to improve myself. Mostly as a person, maybe being less self critical which I always like to do so. I should give myself constructive criticism instead of just being erm...self critical haha. Can't find a better phrase at the spur of the moment man.
Football was as usual, but we were late, I forgot my socks and I had a terrible diarrhoea. Managed to get about a half in though, lost but kept a respectable scoreline. Was the first game in 3 weeks though.
Watched a movie today. After a really long time. Not under the circumstances tt I wld wanna watch it for sure. But I guess it's alright really. Anyway Li Wei asked if I wanted to watch sex and the city 2. And I was like whoa...it was really something I wanted to catch but...I know it had alr became something that I didn't really wanted to watch anymore. In the end I went ahead with it cos, I wanted to see how it was. I wanted to know how it felt watching it. It was great really, can't really catch some of the more erm bitchy stuff I guess haha but the show was certainly heartwarming and well it was a little heart wrenching to me though. Just a little cos some things they did kind of reminded me of things. Yeah things.
Well the previous movie I watched was really great. Yep haha. It was something heart wrenching yes, a little difficult to take in at the end. But the process of watching was most definitely heart warming. It was Remember Me. Remember me. That's something I could never forget. Not in a lifetime. It has never been made clearer to myself by myself. And wait I shall.
天空不断下着无声的雪
而我只有思念
勉强能温暖黑夜
拥抱离我已经千山万水
每个男人都有
说不出的心碎 oh yeah
我还爱着一个人但愿
回到美好的从前
也许痛的感觉
证明了爱的深浅
不然为什么我还不撤退 oh～
记得爱所有幸福的片段
所以才一直忘记要离开
伸出手继续勇敢付出我的爱
原地不动的等待
就算风把我的头发吹乱
记得爱是我给过的答案
就不再考虑应该不应该
一滴泪落进无边无际的大海
至少我们都活得没有遗憾
只要记得爱就无所谓孤单
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Saturday, June 19, 2010
Sigh, looking back and reflecting, i don't really know wad to say abt myself anymore. Have I been foisting my emotions and thoughts about too much? I guess so. My ranting was pretty much uncalled for either...Terribly terrible, myself that is.
I'm tired...and just as clueless as I was before. And there's science camp coming up soon. I'm sure I'll enjoy it but I'd very much prefer if I had the chance to handle my own pressing issue first =/ and yea the pay from the camp so long ago doesn't matter to me anymore...
I guess I have to let things settle down before I'll be able to look past the curtain of silence.
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Friday, June 18, 2010
I stepped out of my house for less than 5 hours to go to hall for rag dance practice and also to get my hair trimmed on the way back and it got me pondering with all sorts of comments from different ppl.
When I first stepped into the dance studio with Lynette, Wei Jie asked why I always attended prac with her. I knew what he was hinting at the moment the words left his lips but I just said some crap though. He probably was half joking only la but I'm kind of not in the mood for these kind of stuff. Well I can consider Lynette as one of my best female frens in NUS for sure, worked quite closely with her on a number of occasions and that's all. Hey and I know Aaron okay, not like I dono him haha. It was possibly just a passing remark but did it show a tinge of cynicism in us? I guess I do put myself in such a light at times, don't I?
As I exited the dance studio with Lynette, Shu Wen and Xue Rong I was kind of thinking back the few times I was at KRT and yea saw Shu Wen that once. I wonder if it was fate or just a coincidence, she had to ask a qn tt I just blurted no more alr. I did look at Lynette in the eye for a moment too. And I had to follow up with a "it's okay la". Yep knowing her, it wasn't something bad. Sometimes ignorance is really bliss eh.
And yes, the hairdresser i went to. They're really nice, although I've been visiting them frequently for abt 6 years? Don't know whether to call it long or short but they've been v nice all these while and yea they kind of spoke in mandarin only. I just wanted to make my hair thinner today but the lady boss asked if I wanted to change my image. Change my image indeed. Never thought of anything along those lines. Just wanted to keep my hair longer this time. And see how things go. I wonder why.
Hmm...don't really know how I should feel right now though. Things just aren't as simple as they used to be anymore.
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Three months have passed, and yea I haven't changed one bit have I? I think the only positive I can draw from it is that I never had a change of heart, not once. And tt my birthday wish came true, half of it at least. Yep but plenty of negatives to take home. For example, my way of handling things is just like an infant. Unknowing and yea causing so much damage to everyone. For that I can only apologize. I'm sorry.
But things have come to a point where...I don't really know what's happening already. Why has things come to this state? The natural conclusion wld be tt I did something wrong. But what? I have many postulates running through my head but none tt I'm certain of. More and more questions are forming in my mind and without any answers, I think it'd explode soon. I don't know what the future beckons. I'm honestly a little afraid of knowing what's coming up although it seems that I'll probably not know after all. It might be a case of me being oversensitive but I am really not v sure abt tt.
I wonder if I'm being cynical now also. But judging from how things are going, I think the promise one month ago seems to have disappeared into thin air. The future really seems so bleak and the worst thing is I have no idea what's happening. I know most of our worries aren't true at all and I really hope tt I'm just oversensitive and a worrywart as I am at times. But hardly talking or even msging for more than 3 weeks...it constitutes to being somewhat less than a friend even though I did attempt to talk a little here and there, doesn't it? I don't know. I just feel lost and I don't wanna bug and be an irritant at the same time.
I haven't asked myself this question for a long time alr. What is the meaning of life? I guess I know what it is in my heart, which makes things more unbearable for me. Oh god, why do I even exist in the first place?
I know I promised to be happy but I just can't feel any happiness in the long run. In the short run yes, I'm laughing enjoying myself with my frens here and there during camps etc but deep inside I can still feel the tears welling up somewhere inside. It just isn't going well for me, not in this state but I guess it just shows the importance to me. I have been trying to deal with it. It's improving but I don't want my self defence mechanism to force myself to forget what's happened and numb myself to the one I love. And yes I'm afraid that prolonged distance wld make us drift further and further until we wldn't keep in contact anymore.
I know I ought to believe and have some faith. Cld I get a direction from some divine intervention somehow? cos I'm kinda lost. I'm just clinging on to a certain thing called "hope".
Well enough of ranting alr I guess, sigh gotta thank Ben for always being there for me man. He's been awesome. There's been heavy rain in recent days and I can't help but think abt how things are going in malaysia. I'll pray for safety and for no torrential rains in malaysia, hopefully there's no mountain climbing too.
爱一个人
需要缘分
你何苦让自己
越陷越深
别傻得用你的天真去碰触不安的灵魂
每一天只能痴痴的等
爱一个人别太认真
你受伤的眼神令人心疼
没有一个人
非要另一个人
才能过一生
你又何苦逼自己
面对伤痕
我知道你很难过
感情的付出不是真心就会有结果
别问怎么做爱才能长久
这道理有一天你会懂
我知道你很难过
昨天是恋人今天说分说就分手
别问你的痛要怎么解脱
多情的人注定伤得比较久
爱若变成了刺
思念也成了痴
也许心碎是爱情最美的样子
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Tuesday, June 15, 2010
When I couldn't sleep this morning, the only thought running through my mind was why...why?
Somehow I have a feeling that the callus growing on my fingertips would never bear fruit.
夜里传来雨的声音
轻轻拨动心的旋律
情不自禁想起你
那些甜蜜的回忆
总是不小心就淋湿了我的眼睛
爱情需要一些呼吸
偶尔保持一点距离
回到朋友的关系
任你自由的来去
从此想念你只能放在我心里
你还爱我吗
一直好想问你这句话
却又怕
听到你真实的回答
你还爱我吗
为何你总是不说话
眼看我为爱不爱挣扎
你爱我吗
好久没有你的消息
心里还惦记着你
在这冷冷的夜里
感觉那么的熟悉
好想再见你想听听你的声音
感情的路总让人好无助
我会学着面对独处
给深爱的你祝福
你还爱我吗
我一直好想问你这句话
却又怕
听到你真实的回答
你还爱我吗
这是我唯一的牵挂
不管你会有什么回答
我会一直等你
你还爱我吗
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Thursday, June 10, 2010
As the saying goes, distance makes the heart grow fonder. How true it is. And how I wished it goes both ways.
I was young but I wasn't naive
I watched helpless as you turned around to leave
And still I have the pain I have to carry
A past so deep that even you could not bury if you tried
After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
Never thought we'd be here
When my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me died when I let you go
I would fall asleep
Only in hopes of dreaming
That everything would be like it was before
But nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting
They disappear as reality is crashing to the floor
After all this why
Would you ever wanna leave it
Maybe you could not believe it
That my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me died when I let you go
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me died when I let you go
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Saturday, June 05, 2010
Having had some revelations in recent weeks, I have a single resolution for myself. It's gonna be really tough but I've gotta stick to it. Honestly, I'd have hoped it wasn't needed but it is and so be it.
Saw something on fb just now. Just a small line, something minor, something I had already knew but still it hurts. I mean I cld well do the same but it's entirely meaningless to me. Nothing tt I wanted to be, nothing tt I wanted to see but really...I have absolutely no idea where I stand now. Not at all. I really want to know. Do I even mean anything now? I wonder...
There's really so much I want to do and so much tt I want to find out but no, I can't...I've gotta stick to my resolution and wait...tt's all I can do now. It's really a test of my patience, something tt I never really had, which I acquired just recently. Sometimes, I wonder if patience is enough right now. I wonder, yet again. As usual, some things are clear as day to me.
And ya tmr the team's not playing but Alex kinda wanna get all of us to play after a really long time. I'll probably go la. Supposed to be a joyous occasion right? I guess haha. If only.
Yet another oldie but this one I've really got nothing to say about it. It's just beautiful :) and it's everything I feel now. It's not changing anytime soon and it feels like it's never gonna be.
When winter comes in summer
When theres no more forever
Yeah, that's when I'll stop loving you
That's when I'll stop loving you
I'm sure you've heard these words before
And I know it's hard for you to trust them once more
You're afraid it all might end
And a broken heart is scared of breaking again
But you've gotta believe me
I'll never leave you
You'll never cry long as I am there
And I will always be there
You will never be without love
When winter comes in summer
When there's no more forever
When lies become the truth
Oh you know then baby,
That's when I'll stop lovin'
That's when I'll stop loving you
That's when I'll stop loving you
As long as sunlight lights the sky
Light of love will be found in these eyes of mine (these eyes of mine)
And I will shine that light for you
You're the only one, I'll ever give this heart to
What I'm trying to say is, nothing will change this (ahh..)
There'll be no time you won't find me there (find me there)
Cause I will always be there
You will always have all my love
And when this world doesn't turn anymore
When the stars all decide to stop shining
Til then I'm gonna to be by your side
Gonna be loving you forever
Every day of my life
Well you know then baby
That's when I'll stop lovin'
That's when I'll stop lovin'
That's when I'll stop loving you
That's when I'll stop babe
I'll stop babe
Loving you
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Friday, June 04, 2010
I'm feeling tired. I guess. After staying at home the whole day other than updating my passbook. My rib's still in pain, especially when I take in quick, deep breaths but I guess I'll just continue on with the game on Sunday. I really want to blog about rafa's departure from Liverpool FC but I kinda don't have the mood to. The me of yesteryears would have penned down my thoughts immediately upon knowing the news. But I'm no longer the same me. Football is just a part of my life, no longer something THAT impt. I know what's my priority now. At least I know what I want the most, that's for certain.
Shd I have been happy with a single msg, hmmmm I wonder. At least it wasn't dead silence this time round. Well I gave my word tt I'd be just fine and happy. I wldn't say tt it's a lie for certain. Half of me knows tt I'm alr lucky to have had close to 2 mths of joy and blessing. And of course there's nothing to complain abt the current state of my life in almost every way. I'm really lucky already. However, the other half of my heart tells me that I'll never be happy with what's happening now and a part of myself is missing, somewhere. Will it be back? No prizes for guessing though haha. But I'm okay, I'm doing fine but probably not doing great. Not just yet I suppose.
A borrowed song this time haha. Oh well but it's a nice song for sure, quite apt too.
I was born in the arms of imaginary friends
free to roam, made a home out of everywhere I've been
then you come crashing in, like the realest thing
trying my best to understand all that your love can bring
oh half of my heart's got a grip on the situation
half of my heart takes time
half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you
that I can't keep loving you
oh, with half of my heart
I was made to believe I'd never love somebody else
I made a plan, stay the man who can only love himself
lonely was the song I sang, 'til the day you came
showing me a better way and all that my love can bring
your faith is strong
but I can only fall short for so long
time will hold, later on
you will hate that I never gave more to you than half of my heart
but I can't stop loving you
but I can't stop loving you
but I can't stop loving you with half of my heart
half of my heart's got a real good imagination
half of my heart's got you
half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you
that half of my heart won't do
half of my heart is a shotgun wedding to a bride with a paper ring
and half of my heart is the part of a man who's never truly loved anything
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Tuesday, June 01, 2010
Sigh...a short 2-3 minute reflection in the car made me realize some stuff. I wonder if it's too little too late. As KT said, I probably crossed the line after things ended. Asking myself, what have I done right after that fateful day? Almost nothing and almost everything was done wrongly or I carried myself in a wrong way. Either being over concerned or poking my nose into things that are no longer an entitlement to me. I have to know where I stay but yep it may be too late that I've realized it. I had been nothing short of a pest. If this continues on, I really have got nothing to say and no one else to blame but myself. I thoroughly deserve this outcome.
Sometimes on my emo days, which occurs once in a while I just feel that I'd be better off dead. Things feel so dreary and terrible. Seemed like life's not worth the living at times. Not tt I'd really look for my death, not something I'd actually do but I get the mentality that it doesn't matter if I'm not around anymore. I guess it's normal eh, but after a night's rest I'll normally feel better the next day ya.
Really, really regret alr. In our bro language, it's self-pwned. Yep some things are really not within my control but I blew practically everything that was within my reach and whatever that I could effect a change on. I probably lost my respect and god knows what else I've lost. Regret, regret. If I could turn back time, I'll definitely do things and conduct myself in a different way :( too little too late for me. Has the Time Traveler's Wife been read? Somehow, I envy Henry DeTamble in the book. Although he time traveled consistently, he managed to find his true love and they stayed together all the way. Despite the not-so-happy ending, he still had a beautiful life in my opinion. If only I could time travel like him to undo my wrongdoings. Would I ever have a fulfilling life like his?
Yea I constantly think about Final Fantasy VIII. The reason why I liked it the most out of the Final Fantasy series was probably due to the love story of Squall Leonhart and Rinoa Heartily. How Squall's personality was vastly transformed after meeting Rinoa. The first of any FF series that had such a story which was somewhat in depth. I don't know, I really am clueless sometimes. About myself and about my Rinoa. I miss you but there's nothing I can do about it but I know now, I'll be careful. Careful not to go overboard or do anything wrong. I've learnt my lesson already. A painful one indeed.
疲倦的背包它不问我是否寂寥
无奈的手表孤单地走过每一秒
阳光静悄悄街上有人拥抱我听得到
没有人知道口袋里我藏着你的味道
想见你没有你城市再炫也没意义
热闹的全都是你幻影
想见你心太急狂奔拥挤的人群里
多希望下一秒就见到你
天虽然很高思念像云笼罩我很低潮
我所有沉默如果你看得到给我拥抱
微风轻轻飘寂寞在笑声里默默喧闹
只有我知道不需要再寻找谁的依靠
想见你没有你每天生活只剩呼吸
闭上眼晃动的全都是你
想见你我的心其实从来不曾离去
这一生只想和你在一起 (全世界最重要的就是你)
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