Two words. Utterly ignored. I'm honestly a little unsure but I guess I can only say I brought this upon myself =/ as I said, what a lousy guy am I. Nothin much I can do already ba...hai~~realised things too little too late. I can only hope all's not lost but...I don't really know what to do anymore. Well the results came out today. Did worse than the first sem but I'm kinda numb to this kinda feeling alr. And it doesn't really matter much to me no? Yea it doesn't really. What a double whammy today, not tt I didn't see some of it coming my way at least. Too bad for me, just too bad. Why do I always carry this feeling of regret wherever I go? It's difficult but I just gotta deal with it. I wish I cld see the light at the end of the tunnel but no. I'm sorry...
Swimming was just fine. Went to Hanz place for a bit, listened to him and also to his myriad of english songs. Picked one out of the whole lot. Too bad I din bring any thumbdrive or external hdd to kope his songs. From John Mayer. Perfectly lonely indeed.
Had a little love, but I spread it thin
Falling in her arms and out again
Made a bad name for my game around town
Tore up my heart, and shut it down
Nothing to do
Nowhere to be
A simple little kind of free
Nothing to do
No one but me
And that's all I need
I'm perfectly lonely
I'm perfectly lonely
I'm perfectly lonely (Yeah)
'Cause I don't belong to anyone
Nobody belongs to me
I see friends around from time to time
When their ladies let them slip away
And when they ask me how I'm doing with mine
This is always what I say
And this is not to say
There never comes a day
I'll take my chances and start again
And when I look behind
On all my younger times
I have to thank the wrongs that led me to a love so strong
__________________________________________________________________
Sunday, May 30, 2010
My ribcage hurts. Got elbowed by some guy during soccer today. I think it's just bruised, nothing broken or wad. But It hurts when I take in a full breath. I still continued playing although it kinda hurt. Lost quite badly but the thing was we didn't play tt badly, seriously. But too bad. Got a few other niggling injuries like my gluteal muscle and my calf still v sore. Quite satisfied with my performance today but there's still room for improvement. I can do so much more.
Yeeeep. Gonna be too free for comfort next week. Got a few frens not in town hmmmm. Gotta find something to occupy myself. Can't just hang ard and waste my life away at home. Of course I have productive things to do at home too, just not tt many haha.
Gonna go swim with hanz tmr at tampines. Qutie far but beats swimming at my condo pool and it's time for me to go out a little and hang out rather than soak in the "atmosphere" of my house eh haha.
你的拥抱像微风经过了树梢
轻轻吹着那一边等待你的懊恼
等了多久用不着让你知道
因为爱你比我重要
你说抱歉我觉得总是忘不掉
我只能用微笑来掩饰那种难熬
有的悲伤总不想让你看到
你的快乐比我重要
我对你太在意
这辈都舍不得用力
怕你又被伤了心
如果我挥不去
多努力的爱你
直到都闭不上回忆
我我还是愿意
陪着你忘记
街上的这一场雨还在下
我看着你的泪流
我用温柔
代替回答
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Saturday, May 29, 2010
Argh, damn sian damn nua now. Sometimes I feel it wld be better if i'm not ard at all. And the crappy weather isn't doing me any favours. Vvv warm and humid. I dono why man. I keep thinking, thinking and thinking of many, many things. Only thing I can look fwd to is to playing soccer tmr. Think I gotta get myself out of the house sometime if not I'll go crazy man. This is preeeeeeetty bad though it isn't too bad.
Well I'm tired. Slept less than 4 hours and it was interrupted into 2 2h naps. Cldn't nap in the afternoon either. Sighz. Hope I can slp earlier today but the weather's really terrible.
冷咖啡离开了杯垫
我忍住的情绪在很后面
拼命想挽回的从前
在我脸上依旧清晰可见
最美的不是下雨天
是曾与你躲过雨的屋檐
回忆的画面
在荡着秋千梦开始不甜
你说把爱渐渐放下会走更远
又何必去改变已错过的时间
你用你的指尖阻止我说再见
想象你在身边在完全失去之前
你说把爱渐渐放下会走更远
或许命运的签只让我们遇见
只让我们相恋这一季的秋天
飘落后才发现这幸福的碎片
要我怎么捡
__________________________________________________________________
Why do I feel so sian at homeeeeeeeee??? Really daaaaaaamn sian. Half half la. But I don't feel so shitty although I know I'm kind of an idiot still haha. Gotta laugh at myself no doubt. Sometimes I just cuss and swear at myself like nobody's business. Well it isn't anybody's isn't it? Yea sometimes just feeling like killing myself too. Zzz. Sometimes i don't need someone to tell me "I hate you" At times I really just hate myself to the core. But this time I really gotta put my hand up and admit my mistake. Undoubtedly.
My dad sent me email with the following words. I think these words pretty meaningful.
你改變不了環境，但可以改變自己；
你改變不了事實，但可以改變態度；
你改變不了過去，但可以改變現在；
你不能控制他人，但可以掌握自己；
你不能預知明天，但可以把握今天；
你不能樣樣順利，但可以事實盡心；
你不能左右天氣，但可以改變心情；
你不能改變容貌，但可以展現笑容；
是的，心態有時比什麼都重要。
你总是心太软心太软
独自一个人流泪到天亮
你无怨无悔的爱着那个人
我知道你根本没那么坚强
你总是心太软心太软
把所有问题都自己扛
相爱总是简单相处太难
不是你的就别再勉强
夜深了你还不想睡
你还在想着他吗
你这样痴情到底累不累
明知他不会回来安慰
只不过想好好爱一个人
可惜他无法给你满 分
多余的牺牲他不懂心疼
你应该不会只想做个好人
喔算了吧
就这样忘了吧该放就放
再想也没有用
傻傻等待他也不会回来
你总该为自己想想未来
__________________________________________________________________
Friday, May 28, 2010
I'm beginning to blog more than I ever used to. Hmmm...
Anyways ytd was crazily tiring for me. With the fatigue from the camp, I dragged myself to badminton at yck sports hall where most ppl were late, I wasn't an exception though but we didn't have any shuttles when I reach =/ plus the silence in my mobile right in the morn was unbearable. It was fun for sure and I improved a lot from the previous time I played but my basics and technique is still pretty bad, gotta work on it ya.
Then went to Xavier's place to play mahjong again. Had terrible luck this time round but I was kinda numb to the feeling of losing. It kind of didn't matter to me at all. I wonder why.
Come night time, I had yet another 2 hours of sports. Soccer this time and I cld feel the lactic on my legs alr haha. Was certainly fun but oh wells. I wasn't feeling so bad at night alr.
I'm still pretty tired now, will prob take another day to run off the exhaustion in my body yea...but I'm kinda bored at home and yet I still don't really feel like going to ubin next week hmmm...aiya a bit sian I know but I'm quite silly as usual haha.
My mum asked if I wanted to go to the Thai temple nearby to pray a little just now but I was feeling really lazy just now and just plain tired. I also thought tt praying wldn't really help me, wld it? Honestly, I don't really have any faiths but I do believe there's a higher order being somewhere up there to explain the inexplicable happenings happening ard. And some stuff wldn't get better just by praying. Tt I know as much.
The wife of the late Dr Goh Keng Swee said "If you do things out of love, it is a pleasure and not a chore." It's a statement tt's very true. So very true.
在水里在火里
我的爱不偏不倚
就算时光倒回去
我也追到石器世纪
在风里在雨里
你的雨伞吹翻过去
我绝对毫不犹豫
为你披上我的外衣
是你让我看透生命这东西
四个字坚持到底
如果没有你
我的生活回到一片狼藉
是你让我翻破爱情的秘笈
四个字坚持到底
不管有多苦
我会全心全力
爱你到底 (坚持到底)
当你看进我的眼里
我的心颤抖不已
请让温柔的说一句
感觉累的时候
让我抱紧
__________________________________________________________________
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Kinda forgot to mention on the previous post abt little Alan. He certainly has matured in some sense, being somewhat less wilful and playful, being a little more obedient and less mischievious. Time really flies, he's alr pri 3 this year. Having watched him grow up all these years, I'm honestly happy tt he's grown out of being a brat. Not entirely but tt's definitely a good beginning, which makes him a lot more lovable :)
The bulk of this post shd really go to the past three days I spent in Sarimbun as a camp trainer with Innotrek. Having been called upon last minute on sunday night, I rushed to pack my bag for the 3 days 2 nights camp. Generally, it has been fulfilling for me for sure. I had great fun with group 3, getting to know v lovable kids and some not so lovable ones haha. This experience definitely helps me in my teaching career in the future. I still haven't decided if I'd stay in that line for long but I'll see how things go first.
In all honesty, day 1 was quite a drag as I was entirely new to this camp facilitator thingy, being v unsure of the camp surroundings and what to do, etc etc. With many doubts in my head, plus the high element activites which were extremely draining on me, I found myself feeling really tired at the end of day 1. There was a tinge of regret in my decision at that point in time. That I've gotta admit as much. The debrief and stuff after settling the campers was particularly tiring as well. And a lot of things kind of didn't go smoothly and we had to improvise here and there, making things even more difficult as I was kinda unsure of some stuff. But well, I learnt quite a bit there for sure.
Day 2 was much better, with the water activities being particularly enjoyable but the cleaning up of my shoes after that and at home was terrible. Absolutely. The track shoes don't seem v usable anymore zzz but i tink still can la. Drying in my kitchen right now haha, along with my court shoes, which I needa use tmr!! Anyways, the rest of the activities was kinda self run. Outdoor cooking was a mess and I made a mistake then which was not v nice to a few of the campers but yea I've learnt from it for sure. The rest were pretty dry but still okay. Kind of tired throughout due to the lack of slp. Campfire was quite good. Felt tt the "emcees" were fantastic. Really. Kind of an eye opener in some sense. I cld certainly pick up some stuff from them haha :)
Day 3 was a drag cos of the clean up but in the end, we got the job done. Yes haha, a bit sad that I din get to talk to the grp properly before we bade farewell but I guess I'll just email them the photo i took of them. Din have time to take one tgt with them but too bad for myself haha. Din bring camera also, used my hp sia.
Have badminton tmr, hopefully my shoes can dry if not i gotta use my adidas shoes not meant for sports =.=" cui man haha.
Feeling a little down now, maybe cos of post camp blues and maybe cos the weather is a little humid. And prob just a little cos of myself yep. But it's just too bad for myself I'd say. Too bad. Too lousy.
泪水将我淹没到底谁该难过
究竟是谁放掉这段感情
我才终于明白办不到的承诺
就成了枷锁
现实中幸福永远缺货
请告诉她我不爱她
笑着难过自我惩罚
想终止这一切挣扎
横了心说真心谎话
别告诉她我还想她
恨总比爱容易放下
当泪水堵住了胸口
就让沉默代替所有回答
我不爱我不痛我不懂
我的心早已掏空
真心话言不由衷
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Sunday, May 23, 2010
My skin is finally peeling from the sunburn haha. Took one week man. Oh wells, I took a nap before last night's ucl but the nap lasted until today morn =.=" argh missed the ucl final but nvm la wasn't really tt upz cos don't have teams tt I liked. But I like Mourinho, as usual he's as cool as a cucumber. What a manager he is. Haha.
Anyways today's soccer was okay la. Not bad but played like crap. Made an assist but the third goal we conceded was cos of me =/ kind of still had muscle aches from ytd's basketball escapade but wasn't too bad I guess. Yea got tackled by some idiot and he left stud marks on my ankle. Good thing my ankle's flexible if not it cld well have been fractured. A bit swollen but it's okay i tink, gotta see how it goes tmr. And I tink the tackle kind of made my right knee sore too. What an eventful day haha. I hope will recover soon though it isn't v serious. Yep must be prepared for badminton on thursdayyyyyyyyyy. The hall dudes shd be not too bad eh haha.
Visited gma today. Sigh...I see three different kinds of walking sticks in the living room. Although I didn't see her use any of them today, I guess it is there for a reason though. It's painful to see that she isn't in the pink of health anymore but the good thing is that she looks fine. I know what cld make her happy but oh wells, it's no longer within my reach anymore.
Time to run more to improve my fitness and swim too. Apparently swimming doesn't improve my running stamina tt much hmmmm...my back's kinda crocked too but i tink shd be fine after a night of rest.
V old, v emo but v nice song haha.
心若倦了泪也干了
这份深情难舍难了
曾经拥有天荒地老
已不见你暮暮与朝朝
这一份情永远难了
原来时还能再度拥抱
爱 一个人如何厮守到老
怎样面对一切我不知道
回忆过去痛苦的相思忘不了
为何你还来拨动我心跳
爱你怎么能了今夜的你应该明了
愿难了情难了
__________________________________________________________________
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Well was certainly a fine day heh, was really fiiiiiiiine the whole day pretty alright really, just a little tiring cos of the lack of slp. And yes last night before slp was a major frustration!! Irritating.
First, thx for the msg in the morning, was a really nice gesture =) and yep I'm fine, even managed to play mahjong and bball today. Many thx to Xavier, Qi Xiang and David especially :) Physically fine. Emotionally was a self-jack with me aiming jibes at myself to the amusement of the mahjong khakis (did I spell it right?) haha. Yea guess it's a sign of me being fiiiiine and okaaaaay. Was really lucky during mahjong. Honestly haven't played for a long time, and I nv really played regularly before. Oh wells my good luck kind of covered my lack of skill though. Kind of won but I do wish I had better luck in other areas. Sigh...okay la don't really gamble tt much anyways, but I shd be happy with any luck I have now, not always you get any at all, as always.
Basketball was pretty fun buuuuuuut as usual it's a sport tt I'm rather rusty at. Nv play regularly for years man. Damn, I'm really out of touch with too many sports for too long zzz. Pretty bad at a lot of them now. terri-bler. Oh yea, my bball shoes just totally cranked up and yea gone liao haha. Nv really used them anyways so I wasn't tt bothered by it.
Back home was goooood. Plain home cooked chicken rice. Hmmmmm chicken wasn't too bad but rice was erm...blend considering I had to put chilli halfway through the meal and yea, I don't really eat chilli cos I like to taste the original flavour of the food. Speaks volumes of its taste but hey, I'm beginning to enjoy home cooked food more :) and yep the meiji yogurt was niiiiiiice. Don't know why but our fridge is kinda stocked with yogurt recently. Surprisingly the one who buys the yogurt isn't me o.O yea my mum. And only both of us eat it. We don't have much ard either. Gives a bitter sweet taste to me although I love its physical taste :)
Kind of tired now. Shd I still watch ucl? Yes, the final comes once a year only. No, I've got a match tmr and I'm quite tired. The final answer is yes I'll nap I tink...pigggggg.
Used to like Jimmy Lin when I was a young kid. Thought he was great. And yea he probably still is but as I grew older I realised his songs weren't tt nice. Maybe because I've grown to appreciate songs in a different way? Or maybe his songs are just kind of "outdated" in some sense. But this is certainly one of the few songs I still like now, v meaningful indeed.
说好了不回头
不想承诺缘份尽了你别过头
如果还有什么
值得我逗留我想是你爱过我
只是路无尽头
都是路过什么感受我能带走
眼泪可以不流
心碎不能救
看我能否得自由
当我松开你的手
一 些风沙哽住眼眸
爱你最后一幕却模糊带过
不让疼痛有路追究
我不后悔我曾爱过
只是天涯从此寂寞
远去的渡口彼岸的灯火
人在河流只许漂泊
我不后悔被你爱过
只是不能爱到最后
短暂的幸福拥有就足够
只要舍得就会快乐会快乐
__________________________________________________________________
Friday, May 21, 2010
Well for some reason, was feeling kind of unwell last night before going to bed. I guess it was the prolonged exposure to air con ytd.
I guess I kinda feel more relieved today :) I don't know why, really haha. But I feel better. Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. Can I say I'm okay? I think I can haha. Was it tt Xavier jio-ed me for wonderful tau sah piah? Unlikely, but it cld be a reason. Was it my short visit to Ben's place? Might be a build up to tt feeling as well. I really don't know. Man's emotions are just a crazy little thing. One day it cld be as low as hell but the next it cld be flying in the skies freely, not necessarily positive but still a refreshing feeling for me.
I guess the long walk I took to Ben's place kinda put me in place. Put some thought into what I had done. One word. Rubbish. Realised what I lacked in and yea I kind of regained my composure alr.
I had used my heart too much all along, it's time to use my head a little ya? Silly boy. I used to always harp on a line. Have a little faith. Easy for me to say but I never really did follow what I preached, did I? A big fat no is the answer. The ugly truth to myself. I sucked, tt much I admit but I'm gonna stop the rot and not let tt continue any longer. No point for me to rush things. It isn't gonna do anyone any good. I've gotta learn to have trust especially to the one who is dearest to me.
Not to say tt I'm denying whatever has happened so far. For things to come to such a state, I've gotta take most of the blame. I'm not an escapist and I'd not run away from tt fact. If things don't go well for me in the future, it'd most probably be due to my own actions, no one else and nothing else to blame. Right, Edwin? I have woken up from a deep slumber. One tt cld prove costly. I've lost a relationship already, with the friendship on the rocks. Am I going to lose more than what I have already lost? Not a chance as long as it's within my control. I'll just have to work from bottom up once again, tt's all. I'm not gonna do anything silly again. I've thought through this, and my mind is clear, crystal clear in fact.
Yeah sure, part of me will be clinging on to the past but I am not gonna let it affect my future. A part of me will sorely miss and remember the good times we had before and I will wish and dream for those crazy but sweet scenes to re-enact in front of my eyes. However, in no way will I force my will on you again. Never.
I'm not gonna do anything extravagant alr, I guess haha. Yep, let's start from friends again and see where it brings us, shall we :) Sorry it took me so long to realise it. This time, I'll really let nature take its course. Ready whenever you are ;)
船到桥头自然直。有一段时间我确实认为船永远都直不了，但我已看破红尘。接下来的事就听天由命吧。我必定会尽力，但我是不会强求的。
Haven't used a song consecutively before. But exceptions happen, especially during special circumstances, no? Not to mention that it's such an apt description. I'll just play my part, and hope for the best :)
2 a.m. and the rain is falling
Here we are at the crossroads once again
You're telling me you're so confused
You can't make up your mind
Is this meant to be
You're asking me
But only love can say try again or walk away
But I believe for you and me
The sun will shine one day
So I'll just play my part
And pray you'll have a change of heart
But I can't make you see it through
That's something only love can do
In your arms as the dawn is breaking
Face to face and a thousand miles apart
I've tried my best to make you see
There's hope beyond the pain
If we give enough, if we learn to trust
I know if I could find the words
To touch you deep inside
You'd give our dream just one more chance
Don't let this be our last good-bye
__________________________________________________________________
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Well the dead silence of my phone spelled a death sentence for me in the morning. It was difficult to take but what was in store for me today couldn't be more apt. A day at K with the hall guys. In fact it was an idea I kind of came up with and a day tt I proposed it to be. I initially didn't want to turn up today but in the end, I did. What irony tt it was supposed to soothe me in some way. Wasn't exactly emotionally well today.
Was a little late but yea went on with it anyways. It was normal I guess, kind of made me feel a little better after the session but many thanks to qi xiang again haha. Bros are just bros eh. Oh yes gotta thank Nicole for the dive mask, which I did go to school and return to Cin Heng. Took those kinda instant photo at the science canteen too.
In the end, I chose a familiar but long route home. I didn't know why. I guess I just wanted to reminisce the many days not so far behind which I always took to Clementi and up north. Just tt this time it felt so different, so lonely. The empty seat on the bus ride seemed like it was mocking my naivety, my impatience and my helplessness. So did the reserved seat on the train ride. It gave the exact same feeling to me.
Sometimes I just think, why would a human struggle so hard to live and lead a good life when at the end of the journey we will no longer be around. Wouldn't we be better off dead sometimes? This thought never resounded so strongly in my head before, but it was just a sort of self reflection. I wasn't given birth to this universe to make others sad, am I? Nor am I supposed to be around to make others feel perplexed.
I know deep down I was hoping that I'll get an immediate response, for someone to turn around immediately. But I harbour such thoughts no more. This event just made me realize I actually mean nothing to myself. I just pray for her happiness and whatever happens to me doesn't really matter. Not at all. Of course, it'd be the best if I could be too, but not everything happens according to your own wishes, so I'm well prepared. It's so silly of me to have such a revelation just, now.
A simple message felt like it pulled me up from the depths of an abyss. Sounds a little like an essay eh haha but I can't really think of anything else to describe it. In other words, it felt like it saved me. Really. But I intend to keep my words. I'll be strong, I'll be taking care of myself. It isn't really a matter of confidence though but I believe I cld well get back to my old self. I can't promise what I know I'll probably not be able to do though. Thank you.
I tend to blabber more when I am more emotional though haha. A part of me feels happy tt I'm distressed because it tells me tt I really treasured and valued what I had and what I loved and still love now.
2 a.m. and the rain is falling
Here we are at the crossroads once again
You're telling me you're so confused
You can't make up your mind
Is this meant to be
You're asking me
But only love can say try again or walk away
But I believe for you and me
The sun will shine one day
So I'll just play my part
And pray you'll have a change of heart
But I can't make you see it through
That's something only love can do
In your arms as the dawn is breaking
Face to face and a thousand miles apart
I've tried my best to make you see
There's hope beyond the pain
If we give enough, if we learn to trust
I know if I could find the words
To touch you deep inside
You'd give our dream just one more chance
Don't let this be our last good-bye
__________________________________________________________________
Sigh...sometimes I just feel like kicking myself for acting like a child. So silly and stupid. Getting worked up over the slightest of things and being such an idiot even though tt's the last thing I shd be doing. I don't know what I'm doing anymore.
Sometimes I feel helpless and kind of useless as well. It's a similar feeling tt I had before. It's kind of obvious when someone dull like me cld tell tt a person so impt to me is being bothered by stuff and I can't do anything abt it, I can't help in any way at all. Really makes me feel so bad and helpless at myself. I guess tt's prob a reason why I like to blame myself when things go wrong =/ and indeed, the source of frustration was me all along.
Honestly, I am just a fucking lousy guy. What good is my existence in this world if it is not to bring joy but grief and pain to the one I love.
等待
我随时随地在等待
做你感情上的依赖
我没有任何的疑问
这是爱
我猜你早就想要说明白
我觉得自己好失败
从 天堂掉落到深渊
多无奈
我愿意改变
重新再来一遍
我 无法只是普通朋友
感情已那么深
叫我怎么能放手
但你说爱
I only want to be your friend
做个朋友
我在你心中只是 just a friend
不是情人
我感激你对我这样的坦白
但我给你的爱暂时收不回来
So I 我不能只是 be your friend朋友
__________________________________________________________________
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Well although my life hasn't been particularly distasteful or bad up till now, it was still filled with "what ifs" plenty of them. Not much of regret over them as I always believed it was my decisions that shaped me as a person today.
I guess it cld all start out from pri school as my dad kinda wanted me to go rosyth instead of SAJS and yea if I went rosyth, I certainly wldn't have met with Ben and all my pri school classmates. Although I'd never what wld've become of me had I gone there instead and it kinda wasn't within my ctrl in some sense.
Next was prob secondary school. Although I initially put VS as my first choice, I don't know what gave me an idea tt VS was kind of a snobbish school at tt time and I din really wanted to go there during the period of waiting for my PSLE results. But my time in VS was magnificient. It was certainly the period that influenced me the most as a person and it moulded most of what I am today. Nothing major abt my character to be displeased abt for sure. And for sure I'd not have known my classmates, esp Hanz, KT and Bryan.
Continuing chronologically, prob what I felt would've kicked off a sporting or athletic career in some sense for me wld be if I had joined track & field in VS during sec 1 or 2. It was a niche sport for VS and definitely wld have made me a lot more of an athlete than I am today. Till this day, I'm still grateful to Mr Sng who tried to pull me into high jump although the silly me wasn't interested at tt point in time. He subsequently gave up and I feel kinda sorry tt I let him down. And yea, Yusuf tried to pull me into the soccer team in sec 3 and looking back, I'm definitely kicking myself for not joining a sport that I had a passion for due to apprehension of my own ability in both the sport and in myself for handling all the responsibility at hand.
On hindsight, I cld say tt I wldn't have been the VSRCCU chairperson had I been in track in lower sec as I wldn't be as involved. And I wld prob not have been the chairperson either in sec 3 if I had decided to join the soccer team due to me having to split my time between soccer trgs and being in the committee as a chairperson. Tt being said, I have certainly learnt a lot of things as a chairperson in VSRCCU and yep it improved me so much as both a person and a leader. Plus, if I had mixed so much with the soccer or track guys, I'd have been a totally different person from what I am today.
The next big decision I made was prob to not stay in AJ after my first 3 mths. Who knows what wld've become of me if I had stayed. But m 1st 3 mths there was fruitful, making frens like Hong Kai and Wei Jun though we don't really still keep in much contact now. If I hadn't been to VJ, I know I wldn't have made such a good fren in Li Wei, certainly my best female fren. I wldn't have the chance to be in CTC, which was a good exp of course. I certainly wldn't have met Clarissa, along which came a first regret in my life for not being sharper as a guy, not putting in enough effort as a guy and not being fast enough as a guy. A what if I had done more to deserve her. A girl who meant a lot to me for a period of time. With that however, it shaped the emotional part of me. Although I still suck at reading girls and handling relationships and stuff but it gave me a good idea of what I wanted out of a relationship with my future girlfriend and what I wanted to give to her. Well, it's behind me already and both of us have certainly moved on.
NS was pretty much a one way traffic for me and along comes university where a first setback cld be me studying harder for my first sem but tt didn't really bother me too much. Well yea after a chat on the phone I realised the biggest regret was me rushing into a relationship. Yea it cld've lasted longer had I been a little more patient. It cld've been a more successful one had I waited for both of us to know each other better. It cld've been a better one had I given the previously inflicted wounds more time to heal. But it cld still have turned out the same way. I just tend to always put the blame on myself when things go wrong. What I cld've and shd've done better. Doesn't really help but it's just the way my mind's wired to be. Something tt makes me want to turn back time some way or another. Sometimes I do look into the sky and ask my grandfather what should I do, seeking for some of his wisdom although I never really remembered him tt well as a kid. I just hope I haven't made a decision tt I wld regret for life. And I hope there's still some form of redemption for me. I want things to work out in the end. I really do.
And I guess getting recognition and assurance for my efforts matters too from what I've felt recently...but this is just some random ranting. I know only one person wld still read this blog. It's long been dead and ppl who knew of this blog wld prob not come again and I intend to keep it this way.
I know sometimes I am bloody, ultimately selfish and I question myself, "Have I really matured or grown emotionally since 4 years ago? Have I?" What an ass am I man.
But I'm fine. I truly am doing well. Not the best tt I cld or I wished for but I can't complain abt my life honestly. It's going smoothly in every other sense other than letting my emotions run wild. I'm dealing with it and I'm pretty sure I won't see ranting on my blog anytime soon cos I know this is a one-off but this is still a decent summary of my life. I will carry myself properly from now onwards. I know my course of action for the future already, perhaps even more clearly although it hasn't changed one bit. Tt is to wait patiently, without regrets, without any expectations or hope of reciprocation and without any pressure on you.
是你
第一眼我就认出来
这是命运最美的安排
是我
让你略过漫长等待
我们只要现在深爱
幸福就来
恨我来不 及参于你的过去
抱歉让你等待
我愿意付出一切交换
我灵魂的另一半
这个世界唯 一的你
是我拥有的奇迹
对我说的一字一句
都是我们的秘密
紧紧拥抱唯一的你
无可救药的坚定
就算世界与我为敌
我也愿意
我什么都愿意
过去所有的悲哀
都只是寻觅我唯一
勇敢真爱
照亮了漆黑的夜晚
寻 找了一次一辈子
再不分开
就算让我上天下地
我什么都愿意为你
紧紧拥抱唯一的你
无可救药的坚定
就算世界与我为敌
我也愿意
我什么都愿意
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Monday, May 17, 2010
Diving was certainly fun :) but the trip there was suuuuuuuuuch a drag. The trip to Pulau Aur was just a pain in the ass. 4 hour plus coach ride followed by another 4 hour plus boat trip. V tiring and draining. But it was certainly well worth the trip to the island as the dive sites house beautiful corals and marine life. Really vv beautiful. Although there were only 4 dives, and a fair bit of the dives were used to practise certain skills in the water, I still felt it was worth the trip and it is just the beginning of a person's dive journey after becoming an open water diver. I'm sure there're many places a lot nicer than Pulau Aur.
Pretty much most of the time was used to dive with time in between dives used for mealtime. Yep but the lack of reception was really bad. Made me miss a certain someone. Yea at the back of my mind I kinda wanted her to be with me to enjoy the great scenery of the seas too. But I'm sure we'll get the chance someday.
The best thing about tonight's that we're not fighting
Could it be that we have been this way before
I know you don't think that I am trying
I know you're wearing thin down to the core
But hold your breath
Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I wont live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
You're impossible to find
This is not what I intended
I always swore to you I'd never fall apart
You always thought that I was stronger
I may have failed
But I have loved you from the start
Oh
So breathe in so deep
Breathe me in
I'm yours to keep
And hold onto your words
Cause talk is cheap
And remember me tonight
When you're asleep
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Friday, May 14, 2010
Alright, going for my diving trip soon. I'm sure it's gonna be fun, but I'm sure it cld have been much better though. Oh wells, won't be ard for the whole weekend but it can't be helped at all ya. Kind of bored right now but haha too bad for myself.
Gotta practise more so I cld get better haha. Abt time I look for possible SEP destinations as well as planning my mods for next sem but I'll see how after my trip yep. Will be back on sunday night. Oh yes I gotta pack my year 1 stuff too. Kind of in a mess man. And gotta get back to my ps2 too, some uncompleted games left hanging. I have to beef up my fitness too for soccer, swimming and badminton and stuff.
Quite an incoherent post but tt's just how I am right now.
读完了水果篮之后，我内心有许许多多的感触。真希望自己能像由希或夹一样可以经过一切的挫折与伤感然后最终得到幸福。这奇迹般的故事却带来了我们可能在生活中经历的感受。这感人肺腑的漫画实在太棒了。只希望自己能像主角们得到奇迹，得到幸福，虽然这确实是自己自私的一面。
但是我会等待的，就算最终爱是无法得到快乐，我永不后悔。因为我相信爱是不求回报的付出。我爱你，这是由始至终，坚定不移地事实。
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Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Well...don't really know what to say at times but...I've decided to just keep quiet after this one last time. Just this once more. And I'll wait. I know I'll never be entirely happy but I'll try, to make that special someone not worry for me :)
I guess I've alr made many of my frens worry for me and enough is enough. Especially the one who's really important to me. I've thought through my future course of action and I intend to fulfill every single bit of it. I'm grateful for my frens ard me :) they've really been exceptional frens.
水果篮已经读完超过一半了。我开始觉得自己越来越像草摩由希。我当然比不上又俊俏尤受欢迎的由希，但是我觉得我们的想法非常的相似。
“因为我……需要一个，不会凌驾在我之上的眼神！我渴望有人需要我保护！不只是能安睡，不只是被人接纳……我也想要付出！付出唯有我才能付出的事物！我不是放弃……放弃是错误的……因为我……是个贪心的人！”
真想像由希一样，在故事的最终，像个王子般的守护着心中的公主。
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Sunday, May 09, 2010
It seems I've been blogging quite frequently recently. I will continue to blog on and off at the very least cos I can't bear to keep this blog dormant for too long. A certain someone revived it and I will keep it going :)
Looking back on my life, I guess I'm really blessed to have a great family, good frens from pri school up till now keeping contact with me. My best fren Ben, v good frens in sec school like ong, my "mum" i found in jc and my many ns frens. And of course my most recent acquisitions of bros in Qi Xiang and Xavier even Swee Wei altho I don't get to see him too often either. Yep I honestly haven't had much setbacks in my life, probably had a little lows here and there but nothing detrimental to me. However, the people I cherish ard me always had issues here and there. I cld only look at them helplessly and ya cldn't really help much really.
I can really count my blessings but I'm really a greedy person heh. To me, all the riches in the world probably don't matter that much. That being said, it'd certainly be nice to have your Lamborghinis and Ferraris in your backyard. But all that would count for nothing if you have no emotional fulfillment. I never believed in working your ass off to become rich. Beyond a certain point, money can get you nothing more than just personal satisfaction and a wanting for higher social standing. These don't matter to me at all. And yes, we shd spend more time with our families and our loved ones instead. Right or left? :)
Tt being said, I guess there're things I wldn't feel like doing anytime soon, like playing certain games, looking for new glasses, watching a certain movie on my laptop and some things here and there...it just wouldn't feel right with the right company haha.
Thank you.
All I am
All I'll be
Everything in this world
All that I'll ever need
Is in your eyes
Shining at me
When you smile I can feel
All my passion unfolding
Your hand brushes mine
And a thousand sensations
Seduce me 'cause I
I do (cherish you)
For the rest of my life
You don't have to think twice
I will love you still
From the depths of my soul
It's beyond my control
I've waited so long to say this to you
If you're asking do I love you this much
I do (Yes I do) (Baby I do)
In my world
Before you
I lived outside my emotions
Didn't know where I was going
Until that day
I found you
How you opened my life
To a new paradise
In a world torn by change
Still with all of my heart
Till my dying day
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Saturday, May 08, 2010
Exactly two months ago, I marked the beginning of the day with a heart warming mini birthday celebration right in Marina Square GV. Fast forward to 2 months down the road, I ended the day somewhat teary in the exact same location.
So much had happened between these 2 months. Mostly good, but it takes just one thing bad to bring me back down to Earth. But still, I'm really thankful for whatever I got these past 2 months and yea nothing much I cld really ask for. However, I know I'll really miss some stuff.
I knew I was really emotional at the start of the day, especially at sentosa. I don't rmb ever choking and tearing in a conversation with another person ever since I was a kid. On hindsight, I was glad that I felt emotional because it meant that I never took the relationship lightly and that I cherished every single day that we had together. It certainly is a v difficult time for me, but many thanks to "mum" for listening to me and also xavier and qi xiang, my bros from hall. yep to quote the great qi xiang, "除了等待还是等待。" That is so true, won't quote what xavier said cos it's kinda embarrassing haha. And wait I shall. The evian mineral water I purchased before heading to sentosa wld be a reminder for me.
Although I know that I'm already very blessed but I will never be entirely happy. Yes, love isn't all of your life but it's already an integral part of it. Pardon me but whenever I'll enjoy myself, part of this will most certainly linger at the back of my mind. But I'm fine really, please do not worry :) I know you would. But it's not something I'd ever wanna lose again. Sorry but I just do not want to be untruthful about things.
Time does not heal all wounds, it just helps us deal better with it. It hurts but I will be able to deal better with it and I am already dealing with it in a more matured manner. Moreover, this is for the good of the both of us. And as I always like to say, it's not over yet. I'll be fine, really ^v^ thank you, dear.
Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you
我把自己关起来只留下一个阳台
每当天黑推开窗我对着夜幕发呆
看着往事
一幕一幕
再次演出你我的爱
我把电视机打开听着听着别人的对白
也许那些故事可以给我一个交代
你要的爱
我学不来
眼睁睁看情变坏
人怔怔看情感慨
不能给你未来
我还你现在
安静结束也是另一种对待
当眼泪留下来
伤已超载
分开也是另一种明白
我给你
最后的疼爱是手放开
不要一张双人床中间隔着一片海
感情的污点就留给时间慢慢漂白
把爱收进胸前左边口袋
最后的疼爱是手放开
不 想用言语拉扯所以选择不责怪
感情就像候车月台
有人走有人来
我的心是一个站牌
写着等待
我把收音机打开听着别人的 失败
哽咽的声音仿佛诉说着相同悲哀
你的依赖
还在胸怀
我无法轻易推开
我无法随便走开
感情中专心的人容易被伤害
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Friday, May 07, 2010
至今所发生的事让我觉得非常的无奈。含着些许悲伤的情感，我又开始读了水果篮，一个感人肺腑的漫画。感觉上我似乎很像水果篮中的羽鸟，遇见了最深爱的人却无法一直走下去。这对我而言是最最最残忍的酷刑。没有你的日子一定很难熬。我希望这只是暂时的告别而不是永恒的离别。虽然你已表示一切于我无关，我却不禁怀疑自己是否做错了什么。我真的感到很痛苦。我的心真的很痛很痛。
雪融化之后会变成什么呢？我真的希望会是一片春天。
但是我会一直陪在你身边，直到你心里容纳得下我。无论等多久，我会等着你的。
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Thursday, May 06, 2010
it hurts. it does. it just does. it's an inexplicable thing to be explaining. what a dreadful day, one tt supposedly marks the end of the long and draining exams where the long awaited holidays begins. it was supposed to be an enjoyable one. but it wasn't meant to be. it just wasn't meant to be.
i'm torn into half as to what i ought to feel abt this. my head tells me to let it go, let it be free but my heart tells me otherwise. there isn't a half full glass this time.
i always had both a pessimistic and optimistic side of myself. the pessimistic side tells me to be prepared for the worst and the optimistic side tells me tt wadeva happens it can never be the worst tt can ever happen to you. however, neither works this time. it's just a different game altogether.
it isn't pain but it's painful.
If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today
If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all
I never know what the future brings
But I know you're here with me now
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
I don't wanna run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms
If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed
If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head
If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life
If you're not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife
I don't know why you're so far away
But I know that this much is true
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I'm praying you're the one I'd build my home with
I hope I love you all my life
I don't wanna run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms
'Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
'Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right
And though I can't be with you tonight
You know my heart is by your side
I don’t wanna run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms
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