I am pretty satisfied in myself that I haven't been an escapist. I have put my past behind me already and what I want to do is to put things in its right place. I honestly don't really know what's happening and I usually like to give others a benefit of a doubt. But this has happened one time too many already I guess. I don't really want to see my previous relationship end on a sour note but at this rate it might just happen.
Is it too difficult to just reply a message saying that you don't want to talk or something? I have said from day one that I really have problems reading girls haha and it's just so true. I don't know la really. Don't know what I should feel now but it's kind of a pity really for things to be heading this way. Too bad for me though, it seems things always turn sour for me anyways. Getting used to it already. Not feeling angst or anything now. It's just an "okay lo" kind of feeling. I used to joke that I'm in nirvana already but it really feels like it is this time haha.
雨不停落下来
花怎么都不开
尽管我细心灌溉
你说不爱就不爱
我一个人
欣赏悲哀
爱只剩下无奈
我一直不愿再去猜
钢琴上黑键之间
永远都夹着空白
缺了一块
就不精采
紧紧相依的心如何
Say goodbye
你比我清楚还要我说明白
爱太深会让人疯狂的勇敢
我用背叛自己
完成你的期盼
把手放开不问一句
Say goodbye
当作最后一次对你的溺爱
冷冷清清淡淡今后都不管
只要你能愉快
心有一句感慨
我还能够跟谁对白
在你关上门之前
替我再回头看看
那些片段
还在不在
__________________________________________________________________
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Jay Chou's concert was amazing haha. In all honesty it could have been better with different company. No offence to Ben of course but it's just different. I know you know what I mean =) I had always been negative and all and one point has eluded me all these while.
Why focus on the negatives when there are just so much more positives out there =) I am fully okay already. I promise myself, no more meaningless emo posts alright? Haha. I really am happy for you Clara, you've found your new love and hope you guys last all the way okay =) don't forget your friend here though lol.
It's all different now and it's just a matter of perception. Overtime, the love will certainly wane but you'll always be someone special in my heart but just in a different way okay? Don't think too much!!
Jay sang this song in the concert last night. It was this song that caught my eye or maybe ear in this sense. Over these 10 years, I've been listening to his music and they have never failed to impressed. Just how little or how much.
It certainly is a fitting song to the end of the most significant chapter in my life thus far =) Thank you for everything. Words cannot express my gratitude for the wonderful 2 months we've had together. But it's time to let go. Finally. I'll move on. I will. Don't you worry =)
I'll upload a pic soon to explain my stand haha. Once Bryan uploads it to facebook or something. I'm certain no one else would have taken that from the concert!!
I just love the meaning of this song. Very suited for me now haha.
爱像一阵风
吹完它就走
这样的节奏
谁都无可奈何
没有你以后
我灵魂失控
黑云在降落
我被它拖着走
静静悄悄默默离开
陷入了危险边缘Baby~
我的世界已经狂风暴雨
Wu~
爱情来的太快就像龙卷风
离不开暴风圈来不及逃
我不能再想
我不能再想
我不 我不 我不能
爱情走的太快就像龙卷风
不能承受我已无处可躲
我不要再想
我不要再想
我不 我不 我不要再想你
不知不觉
你已经离开我
不知不觉
我跟了这节奏
后知后觉
又过了一个秋
后知后觉
我该好好生活
__________________________________________________________________
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Well...I just moved into hall and it's okay I guess. Did rag dance, and some usual stuff for ogl and all ya. Just felt extremely emotional today. Especially when I had lunch at the deck. Everywhere I look in school, especially in hall and arts I see my really sweet memories, which made it hurt very much. Very, very much. Sometimes I find myself asking what happened from the best days in my life where everything was sweet and rosy to now, where I'm left with just a bunch of unanswered questions running through my mind. I usually just ponder over some of the things bugging me but today was unusual.
I'm normally okay with how things are going for me now. I don't know what came over me actually. Today was just exceptionally emotional and as I was listening to this song, tears just welled up my in eyes. Haven't listened properly to it for a long, long time. And for a moment, I really felt that I would be better off dead than living without an important part of my life. But there's nothing left for me to wait already...
I never really understood the essence of this song when Jay first sang it. I understand it fully now, although it isn't really a good thing. Hope he sings it during the concert later for this really rings in my heart now.
翻着我们的照片
想念若隐若现
去年的冬天
我们笑得很甜
看着你哭泣的脸
对着我说再见
来不及听见
你已走得很远
也许你已经放弃我
也许已经很难回头
我知道是自己错过
请再给我一个理由
说你不爱我
就算是我不懂
能不能原谅我
请不要把分手
当作你的请求
我知道坚持要走
是你受伤的借口
请你回头
我会陪你一直走到最后
就算没有结果
我也能够承受
我知道你的痛
是我给的承诺
你说给过我纵容
沉默是因为包容
如果要走
请你记得我
如果难过
请你忘了我
__________________________________________________________________
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
我心中所出现的涟漪已开始慢慢地平伏下来。心中的些许感触也已经小心翼翼地离我而去。我爱的人早已不是我的爱人。虽然有些心酸但这也是无可奈何的事实。我衷心的祝福你，但愿你会做出令你最最最幸福的抉择。我只希望你快乐。对我而言，自己并不重要。只要你开心就好了。
16 + 3 = 19. No wonder I began to like that number during recent months haha. Adding the years to it, it'll become 22. Taking the day alone would be 16. What interesting thought processes I used to go through, really. The vivid $1 ice mountain bottle is still being used by me after months of usage, just couldn't bear to part with it. Guess I shall stick to it for a while longer though haha. Silly old me.
I'm truly calm and collected. I'm just waiting for the time for my questions to pop out, and of course, the answers to those questions.
断了的弦 再怎么练
我的感觉 你已听不见
你的转变 像断掉的弦
再怎么接 音都不对
你的改变我能够分辨
我沉默 你的话也不多
我们之间少了什么 不说 哎哟
微笑后 表情终于有点难过
握着你的手
问你 确定了再走
我突然释怀地笑
笑声盘旋半山腰
随风在飘摇啊摇
来到你的面前绕
你泪水往下地掉
说会记住我的好
我也弯着了嘴角笑
你的美 已经给了谁
追了又追 我要不回
我了解 离开树的叶
属于地上的世界 凋谢
断了的弦 再弹一遍
我的世界 你不在里面
我的指尖 已经弹出茧
还是无法留你在我身边
断了的弦 再怎么练
我的感觉 你已听不见
你的转变 像断掉的弦
再怎么接 音都不对
你的改变我能够分辨
__________________________________________________________________
Monday, July 19, 2010
Sigh...how do I feel right now? Jealous? Angry? Sore? A sense of betrayal? Helpless? Sad? Probably a little of everything but nothing extreme. Being absolutely frank to myself, I wouldn't jump to any conclusions this time. But I do have a number of unanswered questions floating around in my head. I shall wait for things to settle down on her side before I can clear my own things up though =/ and what irony, it all happened on the 18 July, my father's birthday.
But really, really many thanks to Lynette for listening to me last night =) really my best female friend in NUS haha. Really appreciate her around. Nothing more than a platonic friendship though. In all honesty I usually keep things to myself and I hardly talk to people about my own issues. I'm really happy when there are people around me who I can always turn to :)
On my side I certainly have my own issues to iron out. I hope I was just being too sensitive previously but it just isn't the time for me to be going into another relationship now. Sorry but I can't accept another girl into my life just yet. I probably need a little more time to myself. It might change in a week, a month or even longer, who knows?
And yea...compliments to me don't matter anymore. I'm certainly flattered by compliments on me. But so what? So what if I'm good looking, so what if girls like to look at me? The last thing I want to be is popular. Even if they are true, it doesn't matter when I was unable to keep the girl I love by my side isn't it? What I want is true love that can last.
Funny isn't it, how things kind of seem the same. At the beginning I already felt, hey even their names are so similar. And I wondered where their similarities lie in. Now I know. The outcome, that is. I never ever seem to have any fortune in relationships, do I? But I can take heart in that I had the best 2 months of my life this year. A time where I felt I had everything I needed =)
I said before to a girl I once loved that our hearts are made of glass. Once it's being shattered, no matter how we piece it back together, the cracks will always be there. Only with extreme heat can the glass be blown back together to form a perfect heart once again. And the heat would be love.
Nicole said to me the other time during the diving trip to move on especially if there's a right one waiting. She had seen many bitches around in her life. Things aren't that bad in my case for I know how the one I love really is. But I'll take a while to do just that. It ain't easy. We all know that. 有人说初恋是苦涩的。我终于相信这句话了。
Well but there are many things I can start to change already haha. To cut my hair for one? Maybe change a little things on my phone. Stop practising my guitar for a while 'cause the callus are quite painful? The 21st birthday present remains but the nature of it will be changed for certain. Maybe throw away some expired voucher and brochures? Those are the reasons why I said I was silly to Lynette, oh wells haha. But there are things which will always be kept by me. The sole note and box I got and probably all the exceptional memories I had =) Thank you for everything, they all meant so much to me. They really do =)
I have already accepted the outcome though not entirely due to some ends being left hanging but what my "acquired taste" this time was probably badminton haha. For someone who likes sports and stuff I guess that's as good a thing I could ask for? Let it be, Edwin. Let it be.
回忆里想起模糊的小时候
云朵漂浮在蓝蓝的天空
那时候的你说
要和我手牵手
一起走到时间的尽头
从此以后我都不敢抬头看
彷佛我的天空失去了颜色
从那一天起
我忘记了呼吸
眼泪啊永远不再
不再哭泣
我们的爱
过了就不再回来
直到现在
我还默默的等待
我们的爱我明白
已变成你的负担
只是永远
我都放不开
最后的温暖.....
你给的温暖
不要再问你是否爱我
现在我想要自由的天空
远离开这被捆绑的世界
不再寂寞...
__________________________________________________________________
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Honestly, I'm vexed to the max =( I really really want to know what's happening to you. I wish i could help in any way I can. But it's good that I got a message through this time though.
Whatever is the outcome, I'll accept it as long as you're happy. But I treasure honesty just as much as you do. I really wish you all the best alright =) but please, I do wish to have a chat with you if you ever see this. For now, let's just let things be. It's gonna take me time to get out of this misery but I wouldn't mind my misery if you attain your own happiness.
I know I cannot be selfish. In fact there isn't any leeway for me to be in any case. It hurts, it's painful because of certain words said to me just before we parted our ways and it seems as though those very words never seemed to exist at all. I'll really appreciate it a lot if we could talk things out after things have settled down for you. Yep, jia you okay =) Give you all my luck.
True love does not die as time goes by.
Was it you who spoke the words that things would happen but not to me
Oh things are gonna happen naturally
Oh taking your advice I'm looking on the bright side
And balancing the whole thing
Oh but often times those words get tangled up in lines
And the bright lights turn to night
Oh until the dawn it brings
Another day to sing about the magic that was you and me
Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just read of
Others only read of the love, the love that I love.
See I'm all about them words
Over numbers, unencumbered numbered words
Hundreds of pages, pages, pages for words
More words than I had ever heard and I feel so alive
Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just read of
And if you could see me now,
Oh love, no
You and I, you and I
Not so little you and I anymore, mmm...
And with this silence brings a moral story
More importantly evolving is the glory of a boy
Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just read of
And if you could see me now
Well I'm almost finally out of
I'm finally out of
Finally deedeedeedee
Well I'm almost finally, finally
Well I'm free, oh, I'm free
And it's okay if you have to go away
Oh just remember the telephone works both ways
And if I never ever hear them ring
If nothing else I'll think the bells inside
Have finally found you someone else and that's okay
Cause I'll remember everything you sang
Cause you and I both loved what you and I spoke of
and others just read of and if you could see me now
well I'm almost finally out of.
I'm finally out of, finally, deedeeededede
well I'm almost finally, finally, out of words
__________________________________________________________________
I just chanced upon something that I didn't exactly want to see on fb written 9 hours ago. I'm not sure what to think of it but I suppose I'm not going to read too much into it. One of my resolutions. But if it ever was true, I'm certain I'll need a good chat about it =/
You'll Never Walk Alone. It doesn't just symbolize the LFC tagline but something more literal too.
__________________________________________________________________
Saturday, July 17, 2010
My back pain is quite irritating. Only happens during dance and hopefully it stays that way. If my condition deteriorates till it affects my daily activities I'd probably not join DP this year already. I still wanna join DP simply because it meant a lot to me last year. Yep, I guess my performance impressed someone, not that it has a bearing on me anymore. I wish it did though.
Kind of tired with rag dance happening almost daily and don't really know how I should spend my time really. Other than hanging out with the VS boys and occasionally with Li Wei, I haven't been out at all. In fact hanging out with them isn't exactly considered going out haha.
Well holidays are drawing to an end real soon. Still have got some stuff to settle like some army stuff as well as packing my own room, or at least my old notes and planning for SEP. I've gotta move into hall real soon and I still prefer the comfort of my home. However, it's the last year for me in Eusoff Hall. I've decided not to stay on as the cost isn't quite justified by the convenience it gives. I could really do better to save up the money I spend on hall stay. Moreover, the full circle line would be complete by next year. If things go well, I'd be going for SEP in year 3 sem 1 as well so I wouldn't be around for long in hall anyways.
"Stop trying to fill your head with Science - for to fill your heart with love is enough" - Richard Feynman. Who better to pick this quote off than Desmond haha. Our residential scientist in US right now.
I guess I'm beginning to take things a little easier for myself. Or maybe I'm just hoping that I will. But I really wonder how you are doing =/
This song speaks volume.
喜欢你的头发 喜欢你的脸颊
喜欢你微笑的时候眼里藏不住的光
喜欢你的害羞 喜欢你的疯狂
想要一天二十四个小时守在你身旁
喜欢开你玩笑 喜欢叫你傻瓜
喜欢吓你一跳的时候看你慌张的模样
喜欢搭你肩膀 喜欢你会怕痒
喜欢趁你没有防备偷袭你的手指甲
想要抱你一下 贴紧我的胸膛
想要告诉你这样下去不是办法
想要把你绑架 想要带你回家
想要非常认真严肃的承诺地老天荒
想要非常认真严肃的承诺地老天荒
思念你令我惊慌 想到你令我膨胀
你的每个笑容都会令我幸福的快爆炸
见你的时候我总是说些傻呼呼的蠢话
令我随时随地濒临疯狂
__________________________________________________________________
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Argh...no thanks to Shu Wen for bringing it up again. Wasn't particularly irritated or anything, just didn't like the way she said it initially. Well knowing her from EHOC last year, nothing surprising really. Well...it's always a case of too bad for me. I'm not quite frustrated about it but I think I will be on something related real soon.
It's great that I'm gonna play badminton tmr. Certainly need some sports to perk myself up. Gotta get back to swimming regularly real soon too!
Don't we all just love Jason Mraz?
It takes a crane to build a crane
It takes two floors to make a story
It takes an egg to make a hen
It takes a hen to make an egg
There is no end to what I'm saying
It takes a thought to make a word
And it takes some words to make an action
And it takes some work to make it work
It takes some good to make it hurt
It takes some bad for satisfaction
Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la la life goes full circle
Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la
It takes a night to make it dawn
And it takes a day to make you yawn brother
And it takes some old to make you young
It takes some cold to know the sun
It takes the one to have the other
And it takes no time to fall in love
But it takes you years to know what love is
And it takes some fears to make you trust
It takes those tears to make it rust
It takes the dust to have it polished
It takes some silence to make sound
It takes a loss before you found it
And it takes a road to go nowhere
It takes a toll to make you care
It takes a hole to make a mountain
Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la la life goes full circle
Ah la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la life is meaningful
Ah la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la life it is...so... wonderful
It is so meaningful
It is so wonderful
It is meaningful
It is wonderful
It is meaningful
It goes full circle
Wonderful
Meaningful
Full circle
Wonderful
__________________________________________________________________
Hmmm...these few weeks will be really tiring cos there's rag dance every single day, gotta travel to and fro all so often. Sometimes the dance prac is even shorter than my travelling time =/ ah well, can't be helped. But it most certainly is a kind of experience that I wanted to try. I did IFG and IHG as well as DP already. Left this and possibly an OCIP trip for me to complete whatever I think I wouldn't get to experience after leaving NUS. Yepz, so I'll continue to press on for sure haha. A lot of planning for the upcoming sems though. Very lazy to start zzz.
Can't really think of anyone to ask for the Jay Chou concert. Ben's been rather busy and although he did say he was able to make it but he can barely make it on the day itself. I guess I might well just leave the seat empty? In the first place, it was never meant for anyone else anyways =/
I wish I could be a campeone in my own right just like how the Spaniards did it. Getting through a really rough journey to being world champions and showing what their flashes of brilliance now and then.
__________________________________________________________________
Sunday, July 11, 2010
I'm really tired. Drained physically and somewhat mentally. Don't really know how to phrase my thoughts already. Just back from a 2 day trip to Malaysia and went straight to Xing Cai's birthday party for which I was late for cake cutting thanks to Nasrul's poor instructions haha. Damn. Then chiong-ed back and now I'm contemplating if I should drive down to Hanz place for the world cup final. Would have more atmosphere and stuff but I'm really tired, although feeling slightly better now.
Really, really tired now. A little down. Maybe. I don't really know. I guess it just isn't time yet eh. How I wished I could read minds. Well all I wanted to do was just to talk a little in the capacity of a friend :) just a little but I somehow feel really helpless. I guess I can't really rush things. I've never been in control of the pace from the beginning anyways. Seems like it's one step forward and two steps back for me =/ well I've already made a promise to myself though and I don't intend to break it.
不要害怕
不要害怕
爱一个人其实并不复杂
不要害怕
不要害怕
过去的眼泪用今天去擦
(我答应自己不要放弃
我答应自己不要忘记)
午夜的两点半
我走不进梦乡
时间在逃亡
悲伤还在原地方
我将一床被单
绞成混乱一片
爱已经灭亡
然而思念更坚强
闭上眼想一遍
你转身的模样
每一个角度
都好像一种飞翔
我因为看着你
回忆你而悲伤
是你在心里不断的想
__________________________________________________________________
Wednesday, July 07, 2010
A little gesture may not mean much to one, but it goes a long way for another :) but nothing's gonna change ya? And as usual, some things are better left unsaid even though there're many things one wants to know.
__________________________________________________________________
Tuesday, July 06, 2010
“It's hard to hold on to something that you know would never be yours in any way you think of. You just have to learn to let go and face the fact that while good things never last….some don’t even start…..”
我的天空多么的清晰
透明的承诺是过去的空气
牵着我的手是你
但你的笑容
却看不清
是否一颗星星变了心
从前的愿望
也全都给抛弃
最近我无法呼吸
连自己的影子
都想逃避 (逃避)
baby
你就是我的唯一
两个世界都变形
回去谈何容易
确定 你就是我的唯一
独自对着电话说我爱你
我真的爱你
baby
我已不能爱你多一些
(其实早已超过了爱的极限)
__________________________________________________________________
Saturday, July 03, 2010
Prior to reading today's papers, I didn't think I would actually pen down my thoughts wandering in my mind at 4am this morning. I thought it'd all go away with a good night's rest, but apparently not.
The article wrote about a couple living in India, being plagued by the caste system, where they were married despite being in different castes and faced possible assault from the family of the upper caste. It sparked a thought in my mind of an issue in local context that singlehood is becoming more prominent in young adults and the age of first marriage just increases and increases etc etc. Nothing new really. One of the interviewed "old" singles mentioned that it is difficult to find the right person that you can really click with and one that you can really love.
Well I just thought, such a prevalent issue in Singapore regarding singlehood presented an entirely different problem in India. Such irony really. I would implore the families of the young couple to accept them if I could haha. It really is difficult to find someone you really love, isn't it? And since they did find each other in a sea of people, shouldn't they be given a chance? They are probably meant for each other and I can only wish them luck :)
This triggered a thought in my head. The good old me would probably have thought, hey what's wrong, why can't two people in love just stay together? Truth is, life is never always rosy, never expected. Most of the things we expect to happen do not happen or occur in a different way altogether. Life is complicated enough in itself. Coupled with relationships, it just gets even worse.
Undeniably, I had been living in denial all these while. It wasn't a case of me not being able to get over my woes. Instead, it was me not wanting to get over my own troubles. I'd never be able to dust it off my shoulder and tell myself it's all in the past and I should move on. I'd really prefer to keep it locked safely in a chest, in hope of the key bearer to open the chest someday.
I sort of understand how it feels when you put your heart and soul in a relationship and being unable to continue on due to certain circumstances. It is however, unlikely that I would be able to fully comprehend how someone else feels. It is easy to say that I just put myself in that someone's shoes. But when you have not went through the emotional turmoil and problems that happen in a life, it's always easier said than done. The time frame, the kind of life that leads up to our paths that crossed are things that I may never be able to fully understand. I can say that I had indeed tried my best to accommodate and try to understand her feelings but I couldn't do anything to make things more comforting and give the additional security that probably everyone needs.
I'm just glad that things are going well, perhaps not so for me though I wonder when will I finally be able to move on in life. Perhaps never. I've gotta say my head's learning to adapt already but maybe never for my heart. This statement might just consign me to the realms of misery for as long as it stands, probably wouldn't get another chance to meet and it might just plague my sentiments in time to come.
Undoubtedly, I've grown in maturity and I see many things in a different light already. My priorities will remain the same though. I don't see myself changing in that aspect really haha. I've really gotta say sorry to my head. For now and probably forever, my heart will always overrule my head :)
风吹落最后一片叶 我的心也飘着雪
爱只能往回忆里堆叠 oh~ 给下个季节
忽然间树梢冒花蕊 我怎么会都没有感觉
oh~ 整条街 都是恋爱的人 我独自走在暖风的夜
多想要向过去告别 当季节不停更迭 oh~
却还是少一点坚决 在这寂寞的季节
艳阳高照在那海边 爱情盛开的世界
远远看着热闹一切 oh~ 我记得那狂烈
窗外是快枯黄的叶 感伤在心中有一些 oh~
我了解 那些爱过的人 心是如何慢慢在凋谢
多想要向过去告别 当季节不停更迭 oh~
却永远少一点坚决 在这寂寞的季节
又走过风吹的冷冽 最后一盏灯熄灭
从回忆我慢慢穿越 在这寂寞的季节
还是寂寞的季节 一样寂寞的季节
Oceans apart day after day
And I slowly go insane
I hear your voice on the line
But it doesn't stop the pain
If I see you next to never
How can we say forever
Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you
I took for granted all the times
That I thought would last somehow
I hear the laughter I taste the tears
But I can't get near you now
Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me goin' crazy
I wonder how we can survive
This romance
But in the end if I'm with you
I'll take the chance
__________________________________________________________________
