Three months have passed, and yea I haven't changed one bit have I? I think the only positive I can draw from it is that I never had a change of heart, not once. And tt my birthday wish came true, half of it at least. Yep but plenty of negatives to take home. For example, my way of handling things is just like an infant. Unknowing and yea causing so much damage to everyone. For that I can only apologize. I'm sorry.
But things have come to a point where...I don't really know what's happening already. Why has things come to this state? The natural conclusion wld be tt I did something wrong. But what? I have many postulates running through my head but none tt I'm certain of. More and more questions are forming in my mind and without any answers, I think it'd explode soon. I don't know what the future beckons. I'm honestly a little afraid of knowing what's coming up although it seems that I'll probably not know after all. It might be a case of me being oversensitive but I am really not v sure abt tt.
I wonder if I'm being cynical now also. But judging from how things are going, I think the promise one month ago seems to have disappeared into thin air. The future really seems so bleak and the worst thing is I have no idea what's happening. I know most of our worries aren't true at all and I really hope tt I'm just oversensitive and a worrywart as I am at times. But hardly talking or even msging for more than 3 weeks...it constitutes to being somewhat less than a friend even though I did attempt to talk a little here and there, doesn't it? I don't know. I just feel lost and I don't wanna bug and be an irritant at the same time.
I haven't asked myself this question for a long time alr. What is the meaning of life? I guess I know what it is in my heart, which makes things more unbearable for me. Oh god, why do I even exist in the first place?
I know I promised to be happy but I just can't feel any happiness in the long run. In the short run yes, I'm laughing enjoying myself with my frens here and there during camps etc but deep inside I can still feel the tears welling up somewhere inside. It just isn't going well for me, not in this state but I guess it just shows the importance to me. I have been trying to deal with it. It's improving but I don't want my self defence mechanism to force myself to forget what's happened and numb myself to the one I love. And yes I'm afraid that prolonged distance wld make us drift further and further until we wldn't keep in contact anymore.
I know I ought to believe and have some faith. Cld I get a direction from some divine intervention somehow? cos I'm kinda lost. I'm just clinging on to a certain thing called "hope".
Well enough of ranting alr I guess, sigh gotta thank Ben for always being there for me man. He's been awesome. There's been heavy rain in recent days and I can't help but think abt how things are going in malaysia. I'll pray for safety and for no torrential rains in malaysia, hopefully there's no mountain climbing too.
爱一个人
需要缘分
你何苦让自己
越陷越深
别傻得用你的天真去碰触不安的灵魂
每一天只能痴痴的等
爱一个人别太认真
你受伤的眼神令人心疼
没有一个人
非要另一个人
才能过一生
你又何苦逼自己
面对伤痕
我知道你很难过
感情的付出不是真心就会有结果
别问怎么做爱才能长久
这道理有一天你会懂
我知道你很难过
昨天是恋人今天说分说就分手
别问你的痛要怎么解脱
多情的人注定伤得比较久
爱若变成了刺
思念也成了痴
也许心碎是爱情最美的样子
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