Well the dead silence of my phone spelled a death sentence for me in the morning. It was difficult to take but what was in store for me today couldn't be more apt. A day at K with the hall guys. In fact it was an idea I kind of came up with and a day tt I proposed it to be. I initially didn't want to turn up today but in the end, I did. What irony tt it was supposed to soothe me in some way. Wasn't exactly emotionally well today.
Was a little late but yea went on with it anyways. It was normal I guess, kind of made me feel a little better after the session but many thanks to qi xiang again haha. Bros are just bros eh. Oh yes gotta thank Nicole for the dive mask, which I did go to school and return to Cin Heng. Took those kinda instant photo at the science canteen too.
In the end, I chose a familiar but long route home. I didn't know why. I guess I just wanted to reminisce the many days not so far behind which I always took to Clementi and up north. Just tt this time it felt so different, so lonely. The empty seat on the bus ride seemed like it was mocking my naivety, my impatience and my helplessness. So did the reserved seat on the train ride. It gave the exact same feeling to me.
Sometimes I just think, why would a human struggle so hard to live and lead a good life when at the end of the journey we will no longer be around. Wouldn't we be better off dead sometimes? This thought never resounded so strongly in my head before, but it was just a sort of self reflection. I wasn't given birth to this universe to make others sad, am I? Nor am I supposed to be around to make others feel perplexed.
I know deep down I was hoping that I'll get an immediate response, for someone to turn around immediately. But I harbour such thoughts no more. This event just made me realize I actually mean nothing to myself. I just pray for her happiness and whatever happens to me doesn't really matter. Not at all. Of course, it'd be the best if I could be too, but not everything happens according to your own wishes, so I'm well prepared. It's so silly of me to have such a revelation just, now.
A simple message felt like it pulled me up from the depths of an abyss. Sounds a little like an essay eh haha but I can't really think of anything else to describe it. In other words, it felt like it saved me. Really. But I intend to keep my words. I'll be strong, I'll be taking care of myself. It isn't really a matter of confidence though but I believe I cld well get back to my old self. I can't promise what I know I'll probably not be able to do though. Thank you.
I tend to blabber more when I am more emotional though haha. A part of me feels happy tt I'm distressed because it tells me tt I really treasured and valued what I had and what I loved and still love now.
2 a.m. and the rain is falling
Here we are at the crossroads once again
You're telling me you're so confused
You can't make up your mind
Is this meant to be
You're asking me
But only love can say try again or walk away
But I believe for you and me
The sun will shine one day
So I'll just play my part
And pray you'll have a change of heart
But I can't make you see it through
That's something only love can do
In your arms as the dawn is breaking
Face to face and a thousand miles apart
I've tried my best to make you see
There's hope beyond the pain
If we give enough, if we learn to trust
I know if I could find the words
To touch you deep inside
You'd give our dream just one more chance
Don't let this be our last good-bye
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