Well although my life hasn't been particularly distasteful or bad up till now, it was still filled with "what ifs" plenty of them. Not much of regret over them as I always believed it was my decisions that shaped me as a person today.
I guess it cld all start out from pri school as my dad kinda wanted me to go rosyth instead of SAJS and yea if I went rosyth, I certainly wldn't have met with Ben and all my pri school classmates. Although I'd never what wld've become of me had I gone there instead and it kinda wasn't within my ctrl in some sense.
Next was prob secondary school. Although I initially put VS as my first choice, I don't know what gave me an idea tt VS was kind of a snobbish school at tt time and I din really wanted to go there during the period of waiting for my PSLE results. But my time in VS was magnificient. It was certainly the period that influenced me the most as a person and it moulded most of what I am today. Nothing major abt my character to be displeased abt for sure. And for sure I'd not have known my classmates, esp Hanz, KT and Bryan.
Continuing chronologically, prob what I felt would've kicked off a sporting or athletic career in some sense for me wld be if I had joined track & field in VS during sec 1 or 2. It was a niche sport for VS and definitely wld have made me a lot more of an athlete than I am today. Till this day, I'm still grateful to Mr Sng who tried to pull me into high jump although the silly me wasn't interested at tt point in time. He subsequently gave up and I feel kinda sorry tt I let him down. And yea, Yusuf tried to pull me into the soccer team in sec 3 and looking back, I'm definitely kicking myself for not joining a sport that I had a passion for due to apprehension of my own ability in both the sport and in myself for handling all the responsibility at hand.
On hindsight, I cld say tt I wldn't have been the VSRCCU chairperson had I been in track in lower sec as I wldn't be as involved. And I wld prob not have been the chairperson either in sec 3 if I had decided to join the soccer team due to me having to split my time between soccer trgs and being in the committee as a chairperson. Tt being said, I have certainly learnt a lot of things as a chairperson in VSRCCU and yep it improved me so much as both a person and a leader. Plus, if I had mixed so much with the soccer or track guys, I'd have been a totally different person from what I am today.
The next big decision I made was prob to not stay in AJ after my first 3 mths. Who knows what wld've become of me if I had stayed. But m 1st 3 mths there was fruitful, making frens like Hong Kai and Wei Jun though we don't really still keep in much contact now. If I hadn't been to VJ, I know I wldn't have made such a good fren in Li Wei, certainly my best female fren. I wldn't have the chance to be in CTC, which was a good exp of course. I certainly wldn't have met Clarissa, along which came a first regret in my life for not being sharper as a guy, not putting in enough effort as a guy and not being fast enough as a guy. A what if I had done more to deserve her. A girl who meant a lot to me for a period of time. With that however, it shaped the emotional part of me. Although I still suck at reading girls and handling relationships and stuff but it gave me a good idea of what I wanted out of a relationship with my future girlfriend and what I wanted to give to her. Well, it's behind me already and both of us have certainly moved on.
NS was pretty much a one way traffic for me and along comes university where a first setback cld be me studying harder for my first sem but tt didn't really bother me too much. Well yea after a chat on the phone I realised the biggest regret was me rushing into a relationship. Yea it cld've lasted longer had I been a little more patient. It cld've been a more successful one had I waited for both of us to know each other better. It cld've been a better one had I given the previously inflicted wounds more time to heal. But it cld still have turned out the same way. I just tend to always put the blame on myself when things go wrong. What I cld've and shd've done better. Doesn't really help but it's just the way my mind's wired to be. Something tt makes me want to turn back time some way or another. Sometimes I do look into the sky and ask my grandfather what should I do, seeking for some of his wisdom although I never really remembered him tt well as a kid. I just hope I haven't made a decision tt I wld regret for life. And I hope there's still some form of redemption for me. I want things to work out in the end. I really do.
And I guess getting recognition and assurance for my efforts matters too from what I've felt recently...but this is just some random ranting. I know only one person wld still read this blog. It's long been dead and ppl who knew of this blog wld prob not come again and I intend to keep it this way.
I know sometimes I am bloody, ultimately selfish and I question myself, "Have I really matured or grown emotionally since 4 years ago? Have I?" What an ass am I man.
But I'm fine. I truly am doing well. Not the best tt I cld or I wished for but I can't complain abt my life honestly. It's going smoothly in every other sense other than letting my emotions run wild. I'm dealing with it and I'm pretty sure I won't see ranting on my blog anytime soon cos I know this is a one-off but this is still a decent summary of my life. I will carry myself properly from now onwards. I know my course of action for the future already, perhaps even more clearly although it hasn't changed one bit. Tt is to wait patiently, without regrets, without any expectations or hope of reciprocation and without any pressure on you.
是你
第一眼我就认出来
这是命运最美的安排
是我
让你略过漫长等待
我们只要现在深爱
幸福就来
恨我来不 及参于你的过去
抱歉让你等待
我愿意付出一切交换
我灵魂的另一半
这个世界唯 一的你
是我拥有的奇迹
对我说的一字一句
都是我们的秘密
紧紧拥抱唯一的你
无可救药的坚定
就算世界与我为敌
我也愿意
我什么都愿意
过去所有的悲哀
都只是寻觅我唯一
勇敢真爱
照亮了漆黑的夜晚
寻 找了一次一辈子
再不分开
就算让我上天下地
我什么都愿意为你
紧紧拥抱唯一的你
无可救药的坚定
就算世界与我为敌
我也愿意
我什么都愿意
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